In a Happy Place with a Happy Face

Tahi-tahi ayam..

and So I got diverted from my "tahi tahi ayam" enthusiam to read up on Neuroanatomy tonight...

by blog-hopping...arrgghh!!!! *pulls out hair*

It's so addictive. A friend tells you about one blog. Then the curious you went to check it out. Low and behold, it's actually very interesting and you spend ages reading it. and of course, the interesting blogger has some friends that were mentioned in the posts. Since, the blogger is interesting, the friends must be interesting as well, rite?? interest piqued...

You check out the links section. uh Oh...got links to the Interesting friends.

*die die die* like a moth to fire, you want to stay away but you just can't. Everytime the site loads, you get a happy feeling inside you, like a kid looking on as the nice lady scoops out ice-cream for her. The more you read, the more piqued you get. Positive feedback is bad for you, you know. *SIGH* In the very very end, you stop struggling and say "heck care!"..and before long, it's now 1.13am and I have yet to read past two pages of Neuromanatomy.

Gawd!! urrggh, wake up girl!! How can you be so weak??

A little voice says," but I am only human."

and I wonder why I get offended when people say that I am the slackest medic.
*wry smile*

It's very dangerous because it's easier to accept a Tag than to prove that it's wrong.

You get comfortable in your comfort zone. cookies, drinks, cheese, remote control all within arm's length. Why move?

"Oi, you lazy dumbass!! move lar.."

Little voice in head, "awww..but i am not a lazy dumbass wor." *hurt*

Makes effort to move...aiya so difficult. after moving, no more food near me and no longer comfortable. how????

Little voice in head, " never mind, just accept the Tag. It's fine. Doesn't matter..They don't really know you, really. really."

And thus, you open another packet of crisps and switch the channel to Sky Sports.

*burp* *scratch scratch* *contented*

All thoughts earlier about changing and being better and avoiding the Tag was buried at the back of the brain. behind ...behind where no one can see it including the Head's owner itself.

So much easier to cheat oneself and to lower one's standards. and the vicious cycle repeats itself again and again in every aspect of one's life. Till, you just become a smelly lump of green Moss.

Okay. End of story. Moral of story: To NOT be a MOSS.

So, to not be a Moss, I must go study neuro now. :)

1.29am. sigh.

Happy, fuzzy, warm picture. *grin*

Happy sun-shiny day!

Huge sigh of relief..

My worst week ever has ended finally. I woke up this morning feeling happy, floaty, bubbly and light *GRIN*

I could blame the past horrible week on PMS. I hated myself for the whole of last week. Ugly. Useless. Stupid. A Mess. Confused. Needy. Guilty. *SIGH*

As they say, there's no smoke without fire. I never ever had PMS before. My whole life was just happy or just comfortable throughout. Thank you, you evil evil hormones for making me face my problems and my mess sooner, rather than later.

That said, I've decided and taken action on some things that have been hanging over my head for the past month. My mess was making me yo-yo from feeling really happy to being really confused.

There's now closure and moving on.

*GRIN*

Conversations

turns your head inside out, funny.

Of favourite things and Croatia...

I realized that I have not post anything happy in my blog for quite some time. It's not that I am unhappy. I am happy! Wonderfully so! It's just that when you are happy, you feel floaty, laugh too much and just a wee bit lazy to type anything.

Besides, how do you describe happiness?
I'd always imagine happiness to be just like champagne *wink* bubbly, teasing and makes you laugh a lot if you have just a bit too much....well, you can't have champagne All the time to make yourself happy, can you? or Can you? hahaha..

Fortunately, there are some things which makes me happy whenever I look at them. :)like my new potted plant! my giraffe hairband and my wonderful wonderful wonderful room that makes you never ever want to get out from your room!

and of course my trip to Croatia. lovely! *HUGE GRIN*


My roommate :)

My roommate from lack of care :(

Doesn't it just blend in???

Haha, cute too!

*smiles*

My Roooooom!!! the loveliest, most wonderful room in the whole wide world

By the quay in Croatia

Bari, Italy

ooh, I wonder who??!?

Haha, my plant didn't die from that. After I watered it, it sprang up the next day, bright as ever. I am sure that My plant can't be as spineless as That!!! *wink*

and the 3 shadows in the last picture are Kai Er, Yian Nee and Me in that order. We were holding out handbags in oustretched hands hahaha and posing..

Into uncharted territory...

You make a decision which seems best at one time. Then now that it has already been made and so many things have happened Because of the decision. some good.some bad.

You started to wonder if you have made the right one. If you haven't made the decision, your world will stay exactly where it was. You would know where everything is. You would understand. You would not be experiencing new sensations all the time and wondering if they are good or bad. You would know what to expect if you did this or if you did that. uncertainties..

no one to confide in. no one to reassure you that you have indeed done the right thing and you needn't worry. In this, you can only trust yourself.

but at every bad moment, you feel like giving up. This is not worth it. Is it?

It's funny how..

you can become close to a particular person.

you find yourself spending most of your time with that person. talking, sharing each other's secrets, hopes, fears, insecurities. joining the latest sport craze. going shopping, scouring for good bargains and stopping in a cafe for a cuppa. travelling, doing all sorts of crazy things, having pure good mindless fun. making jokes, slangs which only the "inside" person would understand. a wink here, an arched eyebrow there, a look that would convey more than words ever would.

there is understanding. a sense of comfort, belonging.

Was....

Suddenly...you stopped talking. you stopped hanging out. you stopped rushing back to that very person with news about your life. you stopped asking the person out and vice versa. Now, when you do meet the person, the conversation would be polite, formal. Empty.

We have become two very different person. You have moved on without keeping me updated and so did I. You didn't say and I didn't feel like prying. and so it just went on like this... for months, years..

at odd moments, the memory of us having fun would magically pop into my mind. *smiles*

the cynical me wonders how many of the friends that I have now will continue being more than casual aquaintances 20 years down the road. *arched eyebrow*

*Mad Season*

I feel stupid - but I know it won't last for long
I've been guessing - and I coulda been guessin' wrong
You don't know me now
I kinda thought that you should somehow
Does that whole mad season got ya down?

I feel stupid, but it's something that comes and goes
I've been changin' - I think it's funny how now one knows
We don't talk about the little things that we do without
When that whole mad season comes around

So why you gotta stand there
Looking like the answer now?
It seems to me you'd come around
I need you now
Do you think you can cope?
You figured me out - that I'm lost and I'm hopeless
I'm bleeding and broken, though I've never spoken
I come undone in this mad season

I feel stupid, but I think I been catchin' on
I feel ugly, but I know I still turn you on
You've grown colder now, torn apart, angry, turned around
Will that whole mad season knock you down?

So are you gonna stand there
Are you gonna help me out?
We need to be together now
I need you now
Do you think you can cope?
You figured me out - that I'm lost and I'm hopeless
I'm bleeding and broken, though I've never spoken
I come undone in this mad season

And now I'm cryin'
Isn't that what you want?
I'm tryin' to live my life on my own
But I won't, no,
At times I do believe I am strong
So someone tell me why, why, why
Do I, I, I feel stupid
And I come undone
And I come undone

I need you now
Do you think you can cope?
You figured me out - that I'm lost and I'm hopeless
I'm bleeding and broken though I've never spoken

I need you now
Do you think you can cope?
You figured me out - I'm a child and I'm hopeless
I'm bleeding and broken though I've never spoken
I come undone in this mad season

In this mad season
There's been a mad season
Been a mad season

-Matchbox Twenty-

Back in Cambridge now. back to cobblestones. back to small streets where I can walk everywhere. back to quaint small shops. back to sandwiches, panini, ciabbata, scones & tea. best of all, back to my own little room. *smiles*

Summer was glorious. Things were done, old friends were met, new friends were made, places were explored. experiences are varied and feelings yo-yoed from one end to the other end. Summer felt like a dream and now I have snapped back to reality.

*SMILES*

All things S'porean.

Spent 5 days there and it was AN ABSOLUTE BLAST!!

Food-wise: was glorious! bet you s'poreans didn't get that compliment much, esp fr a penangite at that ;) Haha, they have the weirdest stuff e.g. colourful bread ice-cream, unagi chee cheong fun, durian glutinous rice ball, durian pancakes and durian everything. Not forgetting Katong Laksa *yum* Fusion, fusion all the way and imagination and creativity And package apparently goes a loooong way. Went to NYDC and loved it!! Their desserts e.g. mudpies, funny cakes- B3, Goldmine Cheesecake etc.

To quote Suiseng, I am a glutton. *blush*

Shopping-wise: Ah well, being the glutton that I was I didn't have enough money left over for much shopping. Just bought 3 items..one of them my Superstar!! hahahaha that's my Best buy ever *grin* went to Queensway and browsed through SO many shops and finally found my Superstar! Though now, I am still dreaming about that particular pair of shoes and dress which I didn't buy. ;)

The BEST thing of all is WOMAD!
We just shook our rumps' all night..hahaha the loud, shake-your-boogie music, the live bands and the hot lead singer

Random quotes:

Tip on how to be a girl fr Suiseng: Girls cannot eat faster than their male counterparts and also never to proclaim that they are hungry. It doesn't reflect nicely on them. Trick is to eat until you are quite full before you go on Dates. *rolls eyes*

He is a total MCP! *male chauvinist pig*

that shoes is So AA. *attracting attention*

That person has an AP. *attitude problem*

PH anyone? *public holiday*

hahahaha, So many short-forms for so many common words. People say it, the words are written on notice boards.. everything is shortened! I wonder if it has anything to do with the lack of space in SG. ;)

There are so many stereotypes in Singapore just like every other place except that theirs also extend to the schools. Different schools produce students with a certain look or certain demeanour. I never could understand this whislt I was in Cambridge and everyone is trying to guess everyone else's alma mater. hahaha but being in Singapore and seeing the students in their respective uniforms and such and tons of explaining by Shanci and Alvin, i think i might have an idea. heh.. But the idea that a school will churn out students of a certain, recognizable demenour is quite disturbing to me haha..coming from M'sia.

It was an awesome time, truly ;)

Thanks Shanci esp for bringing me arnd everywhere and of course the bed-sharing ;)mwahs!

Thank you Alvin, Stephanie, Kah Yong, Herman, Heather, Chris!!!

Singapore in Pics

Fullerton SG after Chalet

The Durian

Outside Paragon with "stoner early morn" face

At Empire Cafe, Raffles Hotel courtesy of *ahem* Suiseng

WOMAD!!!! hunky lead singer *drools*

Shanci, Me, Heather, Herman

Got myself a gorgeous Superstar

Durian

Kick-ass ;)

Oooh, at Marche!! *thanks KY*

Scrumptious NYDC cakes *yummy*

*SIGH*

Neglecting the little things that actually matter to me. Things which are real and certain in life, I've taken for granted for far too long.

I was caught up in the rush, the exhilaration, the excitement. and lost sight of things which are important to me.

It's time that I get back to earth.

sigh and that is always the hardest part. Like a moth to a fire, you still want to go near even though the flame hurts. caused it's just so enticing and it's so easy to forget that it hurt you before and it will again.

sigh.

Little things that count..

Do you think that I am fat?

In UK, people there think that I am small. First time ever, the word is applied to me. *huge eyes*

That I am so small that my Brit friend was tempted to ask me whether I will get lost in Heathrow since Heathrow is so Big...*rolls eyes*

But yeah, back to Big issue.

Do you think I am fat? Do you? Fellow Malaysians?? hmm???

I think in Msia, I am considered big. Everyone is so so so super skinny and so so so small. Most girls are slim and willowy. and the doctor says that I am quite muscular cause I have big arms. Sigh, I feel like a pig standing next to them with my humongous arms and humongous buttocks and adding salt to injury, Huge THIGHS!!!!!

Well, I do admit that I don't look good in jeans and I always look better in skirts. No leggy me, only Roundy Me. Why? I should be born ages ago when Roundness is welcomed instead of Kate Moss leggy, slim now.

And yes, I do have weight issues. To those who doesn't know. I lost about a third of my weight since my high school years. It's not through conscious effort. I didn't diet painfully nor did I exercise madly. Everytime, there's a change of environment I just lose weight. Lost some when I went down KL. Lost even more when I got to Cambridge. and finally, In Cambridge I am happy with my body size.

Now, back in Penang, that's a different story altogether. Should I lose even more weight? Be even smaller?

Nah, I think I am too lazy. ;)

Ubersexual?

Moobs? boobs for men? Himbo?

New Man, New Lad, New Bloke, New Dad and Emo Boy — the latter a new man but much more weepy.

Metrosexual (a man who uses moisturiser and is in touch with his feelings)

The Future of Men, Marian Salzman describes Ubersexuals as supremely confident (without being obnoxious), masculine, stylish and committed to uncompromising quality in all areas of life.

hmm...

Quiting.

Yup, will be quitting on 16th August. Officially.

*HUGE GRIN*

I do enjoy the kids and working but I think it's enough, I do still want my holidays. *selfish pout*

Things to do:
- read books that I have always been wanting to read.
- watch movies, old/new e.g. The Aviator, Ray,Charlie & Chocolate Factory, some chick flicks.. *can't let Alvin beat me in That, wink*
- eat the superb nyonya kuih that only goes on sale at 3pm *grumbles* at the Batu Lanchang market. and eat eat eat more
- go jogging everyday and yoga. *prays fervently to keep this promise*
- spend more time with family.
- see and meet more friends esp suyin!!
- find friends to go climb Penang Hill. *somehow that's a lost cause w/o trying*

but still..sigh somehow, the kids have put their hooks into my heart...

I'll definitely miss:
-Tze Yon's little, small voice and the smell of him
-Boon Hock's sweeeeeeeeeeeet smile
-Adrian's antics
-Yi Lin who is always so affectionate
-Jin Cheng, Xin Loo, Tze June and many others..
- most of all, Chee Seng!!!!!!!!!! * guilty of having a fav but he is..abashed* He's this chubby kid that always manages to make me smile whenever I am pretending to be mad at him. He's always happy and smiley and forever singing Chinese New Year songs..lolz.

I have tickled, hugged, kissed, gave piggy-back rides... I think they know that this teacher is a sucker for any kind of manja-ing. If I pretend to be angry and they climb into my lap, I'll melt instantly...sigh....

I'll MISS them terribly...

*BAWLS*

*smacks Ping*

Rushing by...

"Life till 17 was like in Gear 1, then after that it's on Gear 4"

It felt like that after I finished my first year. There was a feeling of watching a LRT rushing by with you in it. There is barely time to breathe and recollect. There were too many things that I want to talk about, to blog about, to reminisce about.

But there simply wasn't enough time to savour each experience. When you are doing something at That moment, you are already thinking about the Next moment.

I simply haven't realized that Form 5 was 4 years ago. That is practically a whole secondary school term ago. I am still referring to my secondary school days like it was yesterday. When I was still referring to music popular 4 years ago like they are popular Today, I was in Big trouble.
Where did all the Time go?

Why does a year now feels much shorter than a year back in secondary school? I remembered waiting for my life to start then. Then now that it has started, it is moving way too fast for me. There are waaaay too many things to do, too many people to meet, to many places that I want to go and too little time. Every moment feels too short. I want to cling on to each and every moment and make them last. *sigh*

Like they say, " Suck your chocolates, don't chew them, it'll last longer. "

Nicol David

Went for lunch today at the Batu Lanchang market and guess who I saw?

*as above*

Layping's brain: "Ooohhh!!! celebrity!!!!! in Penang!! in Market!!!"
Layping's brain: "Must hyperventilate and shriek. see celebrity wor!"
Layping's mouth: "Dad, there's Nicol David!" *pointing madly*

At that time, was still in the car and thus was saved acting like a complete doofus. After parking, saw her at the hawker centre. *started to hyperventilate again*

Dad: Shhhh...eat ur lunch.

Ah well. I missed my Only opportunity to gush over a celebrity. A celebrity in Penang.

If I had tried speaking to her, what would happen?

Me: Are you Nicol David?
Nicol David: "like...duh.."
Me: You are eating lunch here?
Nicol David: "like...duh..."

SEE??? Quite pointless to talk to her unless I am a Super/Mega/Huge/Etc Fan of hers and happen to always have pen and a picture of her at my disposal for an autograph.

and so yes, I paid my "char koay kak" more attention.

Redang

Fell in love with the sea.

Nothing beats sitting on the boat, the feeling of sun on your face, the sea breeze through your hair and the occasional spray of water of seawater. *wistful*

Ah well, I am a beach newbie, though an "ahem" islander. Penang beaches are nothing to shout about..haha..much less about any "poetic-inspiring" beaches in Penang.

There were so much good things to say about Redang; the place we stayed were wonderful, the snorkelling was fanstatic, beach was simply beautiful and the company was Awesome!

Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great.

*GRIN*

Old Friend.

Since, I am so free.

waiting to attach Huge-Ass File to email. *waiting till my neck is long*

Sometimes (Love Actually OST)

We've come too far we can't turn back
Have our good days, have our bad
When I'm feeling blue
You say that I'm hurting you
We try so hard not to fight
But sometimes we cross the line
And I wanna leave
But youWon't let me
We have our highs and lows
Just like everybody else
Doesn't mean that we walk away
We work through our mistakes

Sometimes I love you
Sometimes I don't
But I never ever
Never want to let you go
The road's not easy
But the feeling's strong
It's the little things that keep me holding on
We're both guilty of mistakes
Though you rarely take the blame
Are you coming through
SometimesI hate you
But it's not mistakes in life you make
It's the good you do along the way
The dues you pay
We have our highs and lows
Something everybody knows
Doesn't mean that we run away
We work through our mistakes

OhhhOf all the crazy things in life there's pain
It's you and me
We've come so far sometimes I can't believe
That I wouldn't change a thing

Autism

Where I work, the centre aims to teach the children to be normal.

To be able to think like how normal people thinks.
To be able to do normal things e.g. wash yourself/feed yourself/eye contact.
To not do what other people think are not normal e.g. tapping your hand/humming nonsensically/saying irrelevant things.

It suddenly strikes me as ironic that we, THE NORMAL people are always striving to find our so-called Identity. To be different from the rest.

To have different clothes. To have different hairstyles. To have a different life from the rest. To think differently from the rest. In media/arts/advertisement, that'll be called thinking out of the box; creativity. That would be applauded! To have mannerisms/accent/slangs/lingo different from the rest. For the teenagers, that would equal Cool. Something that most yearn for.

How so is that the differentness of the autistic children is shunned? To be condemned as wrong? Why is their differentness deemed an abnormality?

To me, it seems quite unfair when we have yet to understand their logic, the way they think. And because we couldn't understand them, we haughtily say that it's wrong. That they should follow what we deem is Normal.

To revisit a past conversation:
Teacher A: It's difficult to teach them because they can't understand us.
Teacher B: No, it's because we canNot understand them

Then, what is IT that we deem Normal?

Sometimes, when I describe the mannerisms of autistic children to people who ask me, they'd most likely would tell me that they would have some of the characteristics as well. Funnily enough, they are not autistic.

Doesn't it seem that it's a very thin line separating normality and autism? And where do we even begin to draw the line?

and all the centre can do is to help them to be as normal as other people think. To stop them from being hurt by their peers, their teachers, their parents, the society. By people who don't understand that they are different.

It's painful to watch.

Kid A has blue black marks on her buttocks that resemble a pattern motif. There is 3 of them there and we deduced that someone hit her with an object. She has temper tantrums problem and sometimes is difficult to handle. Naturally, people under stress will react. Sadly, most of the time with violence. Different from other children, she can't speak. She can't tell us what happen. She can't ask for help.

Kid B is always bullied by friends in school. His friends will tease him, jeer at him, steal his things. Why? Just because he seems different and small kids are sometimes just mischievous and sometimes slightly mean. He doesn't have much friends in school, all his other friends are from the autistic centre.

Kid C doesn't talk except for the littlest of noises. A slight bit here and there. He can't play with a ball. We have to teach him how to throw/kick a ball. To think that he'll grow up with no concept/no enjoyment of football. Of any sports. He has a gluten-free diet. He'll have no taste of the other wonderful food in the world. He'll probably not grow up to travel, to enjoy life, so to speak. For him, it'll be trial after trial to overcome. The slightest upset to his routine would be earth-shattering to him.

Kid D is 9 years old. After school, he comes to the centre for computer classes. After afternoon sessions, his mother will bring him food from home. Then, there's more sessions at night before he is allowed to go back. At home, there'll be more homework to do. No time for playing. No time for entertainment. To be normal, be to accepted, he would have to work harder than other kids. What about his childhood? For his mother, for him to be a able-bodied, accepted adult in the future is more important than his childhood. Yes, that does seem like a fair-trade off for me.

Sadly so...

Teacher Ong, Mandarin, Kids

Yes, Teacher Ong here. OMG! That sounds weird even till now. The kids, the parents, the other teachers all call me that. Day in, day out. How spooky is it that whenever I go to a new place, I Earned myself a new name.

Penang= layping/Girl.
Taylors= layping/maggie
Cambridge=Ping
Back to Penang= Teacher Ong/Girl

So, to speak of a teacher's life. I am teaching in Mandarin. Yup, you heard that right. Me, a banana *eyes wide open* I have just grasped the basics; enough for scolding the kids, enough for subtration/addition (don't even know what it multiplication/division), enough for the famous teacher's sigh of disappointment "Pu Ke Yee Chiang De" followed by tsk tsk, enough for negotiating with the kids on how much playing time they are getting, enough for 1-100.

The optimistic me thinks that it should be enough to get by for the next two months until....

a smart aleck walks in with superior Mandarin. How superior, ah well Std 2, enough to trash me, so to speak. ;)

Z.Yang: Shen me shi monkey?
Me: Monkey is monyet *at lost for Mandarin word*
Z.Yang: Monkey shi hou zi *haughtily*

After 2 seconds and my blush have yet to recede,

Z.Yang: Shen me shi Crocodile?
Me: Crocodile is Buaya
Z.Yang: Crocodile shi Er Yu

Me, trying to replace everything into BM which obviously the kid doesn't understand. After a few more questions, I whispered to the kid, " Bu yao wen wo, wo bu dong" and hastily asked him to ask another teacher.

After a moment of silence, he continued. I think he's determined to teach me Mandarin. *blush*

Another Mandarin misfortune, this morning a kid came in asking for thing sia. Me, and two more teachers all do not know how to read Mandarin, just the basic words. *pengsan*Poor kid however found help in the form of another older kid who have read those words. Somehow, I think that the pedestal the kid put us on just came crashing down on her today. *guilty*

Yet another diversion. I have finally come to terms with my job and is starting to enjoy it. Sorry for the earlier bout of complaints. *sheepish* Teaching the kids are fun! Hugs are aplenty, tickle them, tease them and "negotiate" with them. 5 mins playing time, then back to work. hahahahaha and you'll know how manipulative some kids can get. They'll purposely manja with you to get off the work, that's the better ones. The worse ones will kick/shriek/scratch/run away and you'd think that doing some ABC's is worse than seeing the dentist.

Last but not least, kids smell good. Hahhahaha, I either sound like a paedophile saying that or like the nasty Giant in fables that eats kids for breakfast.

But yeah, they smell good, like smell of the air after the rain.

To revisit a past conversation:

Me: I waaaaant Kids, Now *moans*
Alvin: Get a goat

Now, is that a good pun or what? *wink*

KL.

I did miss KL as well.

Back in 4 hour-bus rides to and fro. Back to noisy, packed, smelly Pudu. Back to Major Huge shopping complexes. Back to Good Japanese Sushi. Back to cranky, funny taxi drivers.

*grin*

It doesn't feel quite like back yet till I went into this taxi driver who loudly proclaimed that a bridge collapsed and killed 5000 people. Then he went on a rant about people shopping that are causing all the massive jam and why does people shop anyway. Ah well, the lil' shopaholic me kept quiet. ;) Bemused by what he said and was not really believing till I saw the night papers. OMG! It's true except for the 5000 killed ppl that is. It's just that a part of the bridge under construction has fallen off. So yes, back to funny/cranky taxi drivers. Hahaha, I have met my share of them and most of them are soooo funny. You have the cranky ones which complain about traffic/weather/politics. You have the nice, fatherly types who tell you to be careful in the Big, bad city, KL. You have the really inquisitive ones who ask you where you stay, where you stay, where you come from. and from time to time, you'll have the quiet one that doesn't say anything. and When u are really unlucky, you get the ones which bleed you dry. e.g. RM20 from Pudu to Midvalley. sigh.

Basically this trip, I ate a lot and shopped a lot. and oooh..*clap clap* found a really good restaurant below Cititel Midvalley that does To-Die-For Siu Loong Pau. *smacks lips*

One rant that I have about my trip is however about "Get LayPing attached" campaign. At every other minute, she'll lament about me still being single. and how if I don't take the opportunities that come my way, I'll miss my "jodoh" and will live a lonely old maid with 1001 cats or something. Then, when I cannot tahan, I will just shake my hands and tell her I don't want to get married. Then, that'll start her campaign again. sigh. I need a better tactic to ward her off. I am just 21. Give me break. and the She is my Mum. sigh....

Ok. Back to happy things. Bus ride back to Penang and crossing the Penang Bridge at night. Brings back lovely memories of bus rides during Taylors with Sookie/Justine/Alan/Alvin and sometimes alone.

*grins*

Too much to tell...

Whenever I have too much things to tell, I just make a list. So far, things that have made me happy/sad/tired/disappointed/pensive are

- working at the autistic centre; ABC-ing, 123-ing the whole day
- May, Alvin, Chongka came out to Penang
- Going down Kl this weekend with Parents
- Being at home
- Catching up with friends, Justine especially whom I haven't seen for ages..
- London bombing

Please match the correct mood to the occasion. Note that they are not in the same order and one mood can be used more than once.

Yup. it's proof that I have been a teacher for waaaay too looong.

Tests, War of the Worlds, Curfew

Went for a plethora of tests today at the hospital. Check-ups and such. Thankfully, loads of fears are unfounded though a doctor declared that I have double the risk of getting breast cancer *makes face* and my heart is pronounced healthy. Which is somewhat comforting but not quite there.

War of the Worlds was wonderful. I loved every bit of it. Dakota Fanning was fanstatic. Tom Cruise is still watchable though slightly on the old side. There are so many bits and pieces to pick on throughout the movie. Plus, this is my first movie here since I got back and I loved the pre-movie commercials which I finally get, unlike some Brittish commercials which would make me go "Huh?" at the end of it. Though some Malaysian commercials are super super cheesy!!!

and I suddenly have a 12 o'clock curfew, dictated by Mum. sigh, this would need some getting used to I guess after months of freedom in Cambridge. Apparently, Penang is a DANGEROUS place. After hearing all the horror stories, I guess my Mum's right. Yup, fallen into The Cambridge Bubble again.

oh well, this Is a boring post and I could not care more to make it more interesting. *sticks out tongue*

Biological Clock

During my flight back from Heathrow, I sat beside the most interesting passenger. She was in her late thirties, a Penangite working in Bristol. She's travelling with her family back to Penang. The conversation was progressing normally with all the usual questions; What you doing? Where? How many years? etc etc..

Then, she started telling me about her sister-in-law practicing law in Manchester and how her sister-in-law's family adopted a kid. That triggered her off. She started advising me on marrying early and getting kids earlier because the later you delay, the more difficult it becomes to conceive. Then, I pointed out a MAJOR problem for her. I see No one in sight for me. *chuckles*

Then, sensing that I might be picky or something. She started pointing towards her husband and in a hushed tone, told how she didn't like husband as first. Did not like the looks. Did not like the person. etc.. found him irritating and such.

As all romances go, One fine day, during her examination period, he came to her room to chat to her. After that, she could not put him out of her mind and his vision started flashing in her mind during the examinations. Being a devout Christian, she believed that the visions are signs from God telling her that he's THE ONE for her. and awww..everything went perfectly from then on.

Then, she started telling me about how she embraced Christianity when she was 9 and how it changed her life. Her husband is one of the said examples.

I don't wish to hurt anyone who are devout Christians but at that moment, I was so bemused by her words that I was trying to hold back my chuckles. I was being told that my biological clock is ticking down and that I must heed signs from God to lead me to the correct one, though how unappealing my mind is telling me about any particular person. sigh, I wish that it's as simple as that. For God to highlight the Love of my life with STABILO Bright Yellow highlighter so that I would pick him up.

So, in conclusion, I am still as single as ever. a Happy one at that. waiting for the right one instead of settling. oh well, the right one might be in my blind spot for all I know. but right Now, I am a Happy chick. *grins*

That would answer many questions about my love life diguised as "So, tell me about your life?" when you actually meant, "So, tell me about you LOVE life?" *wink*

trust me on that because I am As kaypoh as you and I use that ruse many times..haha

no offense intended to anyone. =)

Happy Holidays!

Happy times...

I just want to record these moments before i forgot them all.

Sitting in Kensington Gardens in front of the lake with Daryl, Shanci & Christine. Leaning back and looking at the blue blue sky. So beautiful and so peaceful, almost as if you can drown in the blueness of the sky. Plus, we were trying to crush Daryl which we 3 girls managed to do. *chuckle*

Sitting in Duke York Park.

Watching Hotel Rwanda till the sun rises, cuddling under the duvet and pillows.

Moments that I'll remember forever.

p.s: will write more when less lazy. =)

Closure.

Finally finished packing. Everything that belongs to me are now in brown boxes, ready to be tossed into the storage room. Feeling drained, melancholy, wistful.

I thought that I'll be esctatic by the prospect of going home but now I have a deep sick feeling in my stomach. I will miss my room, Cambridge, my friends terribly over summer. Over the year, my room has become my home. My little sanctuary from the outside. A place where all my inhibitions are removed. A welcome relief after a long day. Cards, photos of family & friends, posters etc, random stuff thrown about my room. These all made my room Mine. Now, emptied of anything that belongs to me, it feels alien and strange again. Like back on Night One, when I was a fresh-eyed fresher, feeling excited but lost.

That is how I am feeling about year 2. A tad wary of what lies ahead. Unsure of many many things. Feeling like a piece of wood being tossed about in the sea during a violent storm; having no control over what will be happening next.

That is exactly how I felt throughout this year. Making decisions along the way, no beforehand planning. Some regrettable, some not. Lost some friends, gained some. I have had the best moment and pulled through the worst moment.

Though still feeling lost, at least now I know what I want out of from my year 2; what I'll do differently. and the faith that whatever that is thrown at me, I'll pull through somehow.

Yes, my year 1 and my room has both served their purpose. Time to close the door. To say Goodbye.

Delaying packing

I know that I have to finish packing really soon. I started today with one measly box and my efforts just stopped there.

Plain as day, I am just procrastinating as usual. Deep down inside, I know that I am delaying it because I'll get reflective as I am packing. I'll think about the highs and lows and I Know that I might just burst into tears at some point. So, my strategy is to delay it till the very last minute and then have a last minute packing which would not allow me any time to reflect back.

It'll be painful to reflect. So many things have gone right this year and so many things haven't as well. The good moments are aplenty. I would single out watching the sunrise at Castle Mound at 3.30am as the BEST moment ever. It was sheer beauty. Standing at the top overlooking Cambridge and slowly watching see Cambridge come to light. *wistful* The single Worst moment that I have had is during the middle of Tripos when I just got really really depressed. I blame it on stress screwing up my Pms. But that moment made me realize that there are so many things that I wish are different. Thinking of all the "what if"s if I made an effort to change them made me even more depressed. I managed to supressed all the depression to get through the rest of Tripos and after that I have been having fun since. No time to sit down to think. Now, I guess there's no more running and it's time to open Pandora's box again.

On another note, I went to my coll bar today. This guy started being overly friendly to me and I was surprised. After a few sentences, I finally found that he just broke up with his girlfriend yesterday and his ex-girlfriend was just sitting right behind me. Yup. Trying to make his ex-girlfriend jealous. Awkward moment. What an ass. Thank God after a while, he went away and I went to talk to his ex-girlfriend. Urrggh, I don't want to get caught in between any mess especially when I am just trying to feel my way among my coll mates. sigh, disappointed once again.Plus, just found out this week that a friend of mine broke up. A friend who is idealistic and whom I always thought that if this friend started any relationship, it'll definitely last. That kind of friend. For this friend to have found someone, I was really happy for my friend. It's kind of proof that it could be done. Now, my friend broke up. A million things could go wrong and it's so fragile and it's so unattainable. There's so many hurdles to go through. From the period of finding someone that you like, from the period of "tackling" the person, from the "honeymoon" period, from the trying to fit each other period, from the settled/boring period with "distractions". So much effort to make it last. Even typing all the hurdles down is a chore, not counting those miles apart. Hats off to those maintaining a long distance relationship. Thank you for showing me that it's doable. =)

Constants, changes

People change, friends come and go, parents would eventually leave someday, somewhat. The world moves on, every year bring changes. The feeling, the taste, the smell of a place changes with time. Like the tree in front of my window, when I first arrived here, it was green, bountiful. Over winter, the leaves fell off and it became barren and cold. Now, spring and summer is here, it bounces back into life, blooming with greenness!

But..

It IS different now. It still looks the same if you don't look too closely. Generally, it's still the same green tree when I first arrive. But every leaf now is different, the colour, the arrangement, the number of leaves are different if you happen to scrutinize.

That IS how I feel after 9 months here. Everything is highly volatile. Changes after changes after changes. Not only in me but the place, the people, home. That no matter how much I want it to stay the same.. the same old me. I just can't. Keep on changing, changing as time goes. It's just like the tree. If I don't look too hard, I can still pretend that it's the same. But if I look slightly closer, the amount of changes is overwhelming.

sigh. I am tired of changing. I want the changes to stop where I am happiest. Like having time suspended in a crystal ball. Ping's happiest moment. Wouldn't that be great?

sigh. But then, I can't always have what I want. There are always rude shocks, rude awakenings. People that you once thought were but isn't now. Things which you were familiar with last time decided suddenly to change. It's all so unsettling. I hate to pick up the pieces time after time when there's any changes and change with it to make myself happy again.

Looking on, there's still a huge expanse of time stretched in front of me. 50 years, give or take. I wonder how I'll survive.

Trying to be happy all the time is so tiring.

I want to stop.

It's not fun anymore. It stopped being fun quite some time ago. I stuck with it thinking that it'll get better but apparently, it's just an excuse that I am giving myself. The ego in me that thinks that I should not have made a wrong choice. But, I have clearly made a wrong choice. If it's making me unhappy, why stick around with it? when time after time, you give it chances to prove itself but it doesn't do it.

just quit.

Will it still hurt if..

- it was unintentional?
- it was meant to be a joke?
- it was a white lie?
- you didn't know?

-random thoughts-

Accidentally in Love..

-counting crows-

=)

Teeth grinding...

I feel so constipated, torn, jumbled. feeling guilty yet bored. tired but yet cannot sleep. don't want to read but yet I still have to read.


There's still so much to cover but I can barely motivate myself to study anymore. The previous motivation that "I'll Fail if I don't start working hard" has worn out. I "si bak" liao.. I need some new motivation that'll make me dig in my heels and persevere for just another week...... arrrggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.............

After that, there'll be loads to look forward too..

- Party..party..party..party..party..party...
- Sookie coming (yay!)
- Belfast perhaps (?)
- John's & Clare Mayball
- Garden Parties..Cumas, Cumsa
- Loads of free time and chances to go London to shop/eat/shop/shop/shop/shop/shop

note to self: Persevere..persevere..persevere..and cut down on chocolates as well...

*fat and pimply face gazing at the screen*

Catches you unaware

Do you ever get moments when you suddenly feel as if you don't know yourself anymore? That you no longer have any idea about what you want, why you are doing what you are doing; all the perceptions, principles, standards that seemed so clear to you just while ago now strikes you as false. You feel disconcerted like having the rug pulled under your feet.

"Wasn't it like this?"

"Why does it feel so weird?"

You take a while to regain your bearings and try to re-understand things that you thought you already understood. You try to re-trace the previous path to reach your previous conclusion but you can't. Something has happened that made you see/sense something new that no matter how hard you try to lie to yourself that previous conclusions are true, They are Not. It's a rude awakening. Things which you assume that were true are actually not. *ice-cold water splashed across your face*

Disconcerted. Disillusioned.

Confused. Yet again.

Anatomy of the Bumps..

Over the past week/S or so, I seem to have accumulated quite am impressive number of bumps and bruises all over my body. Never have I have so much bruises since I was a tiny tot walking on unsteady legs. Sigh..and they stay so long with me that I am tempted to give them names already. Well, they Are a part of me and I should respect every part of me (?) [Oh well, guys perhaps would understand about naming body parts? *wink*]

To give an inventory:-

- bruise on the medial side of my right knee. cause: fell down on stairs in Norway. duration: more than 2 weeks
- bruise on whole kneecap of my left knee. cause: fell down during Frisbee at a Wet pitch. Duration: less than a week
- bruise on my right toe. cause: shoes is too tight, ran around too much. duration: a month
- bruise on my left toe. cause: same as right toe plus stepped on several times. duration: similar
- bruise on my left temple. cause: open the cupboard while leaning too near. duration: yesterday

key:
level of worry increases with colour depth

*downcast*

That's 6 bruises. 6 bruises. I never sustain so much injury in my body before. Alright, i am A girl lar. Give me a break here. I don't do much sports, contact or otherwise.

sigh. I Should stop being such a klutz.

'Tis the Exam period..

When:-

- The usual " U alrite?" greeting is turned into "How's the work going?"
- Most people on Msn are "away" or "busy"
- Eating either microwaveable food or hall food
- Getting very acquainted with the food selection in M&S or Sains
- 6 packets of various half-eaten/half-opened cookies in your room [brain food/comfort food?]
- The library is packed, i mean Packed.
- People start to be nortunals, friends disappear...
- Most conversations turn into "How's the format like?", "How do you do that?" instead of the usual "Who's with who now?" etc..
- Conversations are kept brief and TO the point.
- People walk around with a glazed look in their eyes and eyebags underneath

But on the brighter side,

- There are tons of Frisbee games
- People cheering each other on to study =)

Oh well, it's another month to go and it's back to Sunny Penang...

hang in there. there. there. there.

*bangs head on table*

Things on my mind.

Several thoughts have been circling in my mind for the past few days:

-Moments

-Escapism/denial

-Taking things for granted, esp people

-Dependence

-Pride, mine and others

-Circumstances

-Not Hurting others & myself

-Self-centeredness

-Privacy

well..that's it. All cleared out from my mind now.hee..will expand on them later when I am free-R. *grins*

p.s: there's nothing sinister there. no worries. =)

Waiting...

I waited, breathless with anticipation,
for It to happen, to come,
for all the excitement, joy, peace that It would bring,

It came but nothing was said/done,
Nothing was clear, doubts were still there,
peace was withhold, joy and excitement diminished,

I waited again, hoping that It would be different,
It came again but It is still the same,
Unspoken, undone,

Again and again, I waited,
each time with More hope than the last,
each time with More expectations than the last,

It came, time after time,
but yet It never fulfills,
Each time, there were More doubts than before,

I am tired of waiting,
It would never fulfill.

Missing my girlfriends..

Sigh..that said, I miss Amy and Hoon Shien. All the funny, crazy, spontaneous things that we did in Ridzuan. All the silly conversations that we had about nothing and everything in general. All the looooong serious conversations that we had throughout the year; about life, about human nature, about ourselves, our doubts, our worries, our family, our expectations of ourselves, principles, ideas, ambitions.

slowly but surely, i knew more and more about each of you and me, you. We talk and share openly about things that we hold dear to our hearts. the connection and the understanding was so tangible that I could actually feel it. a tingling sensation followed by a sense of peace, of feeling safe and secure. and from there I learnt that I have two very solid rocks to fall on if any need rises. You guys would listen patiently and try to understand, and never ever judge. and would help me clear my confusion and my doubts and to help me understand what needs to be done. I remember how both of you sat through the Whole night with me to help me make up my mind whether to apply to Cambridge or not. I was So full of doubts then. and I cannot stop Thanking both of you for helping me to arrive to that decision. and there are so many times when you would put aside your work/priorities just to help.

and there were lessons to be learnt as well. Kindness, niceness, helpfulness.. all these I learnt from both of you. Some things that both of you said that I haven't had the wisdom to see then, I see and understand now. both of you are ever so willing to open up, to bring me into your lives, your past, your family. there are no barriers, everything and everyone understood each other and we could foresee what the other person would say or do. and we know precisely when anyone of us is in a bad mood and know what to do to cheer each other up. ice-cream, chocolates, pastries..normally do the trick..hahaha..but sometimes, there are things that goes deeper that need listening to and understood.

sigh. I miss the closeness, the ease. to just be there.

as much as I want to return to the days when we are That close, I can't. our lives are so different now, the people we meet, the new friendships that we start, the new experiences that we all share separately with other people. talking about it would add some understanding but Not being there physically and seeing for yourself, i could only just listen and try to understand but maybe not really truly relate. we could put in the effort, try to catch up with each other's lives but we are all living it separately. the distance would still be there but at least with effort we could close the gap. =)

new friendships are so fragile. there isn't enough time to build a past for the friendship to be based upon. there are still barriers, unspoken thoughts. a new friendship that you think would last sometimes would not. circumstances change and there isn't enough reason for us to try and maintain it. there was no past, hence no reason to put in the effort to close the gap. i used to wonder whether lasting friendships form by circumstances or by effort? How would you know whether the friendship is worth keeping if circumstances didn't allow enough time for the friendship to have a reason to be maintained? How could you just see someone and tell yourself that "yes, I want to be great friends with her."? For me, there must be enough opportunities or jodoh for the friendship to have enough time to grow. Enough time at least until there is reason to maintain it by effort. for me, lasting friendships are formed in the order of circumstances, then effort. and for the circumstances to happen, it takes a lot of luck and a HUGE does of fate just like love. ;)

which is why great friends are for keeps. especially girlfriends.

i AM smitten..

Look!!Tom which is So lovable. I want a Pet NOW!!


Tom sleeps with his hands in the air.lolz..

oh..i DO SO WANT A PET.

Beautiful Country with even More beautiful women *wink*

In Uncle's house, Stavanger, Norway. -love the red-


Still Uncle's house. background pics, taken by my Uncle in China.


At the quay near Uncle's house with some children I managed to accost to take pics with. ;)


Still at the quay.


Happy family at the Mexican Restaurant. =)


At the Confirmation. Norwegians dressed in their traditional costumes


Me and Cousin. Party hats courtesy of party poppers


Sorry for the teaser. I forgot to take any pictures with any Chio Bu's there. There are some cute young blonde girls though. But do trust me when I say that almost all the women there are tall, slim and blonde. [no better tourism advert than this *grins*]

Happy.Happy.Happy

Dad, Me, Grandma in Bangkok City, Cambridge 


In front of Johns College

Digging myself into a grave...

I have SO SO SO SO SO SO SO much work to do...arrrrrggghhh!!!!!!!!

just to release stress. not to worry anyone. Brought this upon myself with all the procrastinating.. don't have to pity me. better yet, shout it to my face loudly, "Serves me right!" that'll be ideal..probably i'll start working consistently..*continues to moan*

on a happier note, will be going back to penang this summer. finally, i have decided and will pay for my flight ticket in a few days time. back to sunshine, wearing sandals and shorts, shopping in Vincci, Padini..etc, eating spicy food..*yum*, talking to my parents about nothing and everything in particular, meet up with friends- sec school, taylors, cambridge..etc.. and eat eat eat eat eat eat eat. how could i Not get fat when i return? the food is gorgeous and there's no cold weather to burn off my fat..sigh.. i am glad that i decided to go home after all the indecisiveness and the "i am tough, i don't need home persona." this is making me really really really happy!!! looking forward to tons of things!!

i am so Happy at the prospect at going home that i NOW wonder WHY in the first place, I could forgo going back. *puzzled* Haha..well i thought that i know myself well enough. Turns out, I have just been cheating to myself, i wouldn't exactly be miserable if i stayed back but i wouldn't exactly be happy either. Not being very true to myself am i? but then again, how many of us are actually true to ourselves? Do we really know who we are or do we only know who we want to be? that's a large difference, no? It's often easier to know who we Want to be rather than the former because truth hurts, especially the ones which we admit to ourselves. and we will struggle to keep finding excuses to keep the nagging feeling away that we are So wrong bout ourselves. well.. i am just speaking about myself. if you are remarkably well-adjusted and completely true to yourself, tell me which shrink you see ya? cause i think i need one.


sigh.lazy lazy lazy lazy. hate myself..uuurrghh.. lay ping, Study!!

p.s: it's the stress. i am normally a nice person to myself, aren't i not? Ping are you listening? I am, aren't i? Ping??!!!!..*grinning maniacally*

My first rose..

over Msn:
Kai Er: Go look at your plodge. I left something for you. It's alive!

Me: yay!! thanks loads!!

[puzzled]


buy me a rose, call me from work. [ Luther Van Dross] 


Wonderful Kai Er, so sweet of her.. 

*swoon*

Traditionally Cambridge; punts

Me and Daryl on the punt, courtesy of Punter with cap [yijin]


along the river, picture of St.Johns College


hauntingly beautiful


awwww...so romantic.

The best thing about Cambridge in spring is Not the mushrooming ice-cream stalls all over the place, is Not the beautiful flowers sprouting everywhere, is Not girls in short skirts [well, i AM a girl myself- couldn't care less], is Not the holidays, is Not the chance to see blue blue skies, is Not the chance to dump my thick jackets..

BUT to enjoy the river.. punt along the river. To feel the breeze blowing gently and you lean back and enjoy the scenery float pass you.. feeeling Oh so calm, peaceful and contented. with some strawberries and grapes in the punt.. and taking photos every so often and "Oooh" and "Aaaah" every few moments, as the Grand Johns College looms ahead just around the bend, the romantic Bridge of Sighs [imagine clandestine lovers meeting there for rendezvous *wink*] and the willows hanging down, surrounded by the river that looks deceptively clean.

well, i'd like to leave you with that calm image but.... for the more adventurous, punting is A sport. you'll have to come and try it for yourself!! *grins*

Mum & Dad.. I love U

They are Bestest, best people on this whole wide world to Me. *in a little girl's voice* They are always there, no matter what. They always think the world of their daughter, no matter how badly I behave, they are still willing to forgive me and love me at the end of the day. They are always willing to listen to me, chattering away for hours and hours, about my worries, my insecurities, my musings...anything that comes to my mind, hardly complaining even i get irritatting. They are willing to spoil me, buy me whatever things that i want. They respect my decision, my choice even if it is not what they wanted for me. They are happy when I am happy. They try to make me happy when I am sad. They give me courage and support in whatever that I want to achieve.

Mum, I miss the times when:
-we hung out on the swing in my garden at night, sitting there in the silent night under the starry sky...just enjoying each other's company without talking much
-we made cookies together, me trying to press the dough into some semblance of the shape you wanted. and you always always can get it into the perfect shape
-i'll go to the kitchen and steal the food whilst you are still cooking dinner..hehe
-we go shopping in KL together, when you'll accompany me into every shop and give me advice on what to buy and what not to buy. you are still the only person that will tell me honestly if my bum looks Huge.. *grins* and we will shop shop and shop till late at night and i am still amazed at how much energy you have!!
-you'll buy me supper when i am burning the midnight oil

Dad, I miss the times when:
-you'll fetch me home from school and we'll go for some nice lunch and i'll tell you everything that happen to me that day. every other 5 minutes, i'll ask you whether you are still listening..*grins*
-you'll wake up from your nap and go out in your motorbike and buy us some afternoon snacks which I am Not suppose to tell mum about it..hehe
-you'll come out of your room in the middle of the night and give me a pat on the back when i am burning the midnight oil
-we'll go out at night to buy pirated vcd's and buy supper
-you'll try to get me out of the bed every morning to go jogging with you by pulling my leg out of the covers..sometimes i manage to wake up, sometimes i don't.
-you'll tell me about you life in the past and all the things that i still have to learn from you

even though i am sometimes aloof, sometimes stressed, sometimes misbehaving, sometimes self-centered that i wonder how could Mum & Dad still love me...but Mum & Dad still do.. and i realize how so very Lucky i truly Am..

to me, parental love is the most pure, most self-sacrificing. they do not get to choose the kind of person that their daughter/son are but they still love them no matter what. for their daugther/son, they are willing to give up everything and they are even sadder than we are when we are sad. and they derive so much joy just by being with us. in one of my flights of fancy, i wonder about how i'd be if i become a mother and i realized that i'd love my kid (preferably a daughter *wink*) so so so so very much and would give everything that i have got to him/her. i came across this blog today and it is written by the Parents to their daughter and she's only 1 years old now.. and it's so..so sweet.. The world according to Ayjia,(http://ayjia.blogspot.com/) ~enjoy~

I am Not homesick, just parentsick..*grins*

The tree outside my window when i First arrive (October) 

The tree when snowing.. 

Clubbing

I hate it when:
-random guys put their hands on me
-random guys start to talk to me
-random guys hitting on me
-random guys checking me out

*makes face*

I just enjoy going to the club and dancing to good music e.g. R&B, hip hop, some good cheese and dressing up in nice clothes. basically just dance & enjoy myself!!!
without all the added unwanted attention..

sigh.

and sometimes thinking back, it's so hilarious. if some guy comes up to me and my friend, i'll pull her away and we'll move towards the other end of the dance floor..far ..far away. and there was this one time when my friends and me moved to and fro the whole dance floor several times for half the night before settling in some comfortable spot to dance. plus there are always the random elbows that moves dangerously to your face/head because the angmors are so tall and i am so short...and there'll surely by the "nudgers", people who had to push through to get from one end to the other end.. they'll push/shove/whatever just to get through... then last but not least, the pulsating/shaking bodies that will push and push till you barely have space to dance..

but then, clubbing won't be fun unless the music is really loud and the crowd is comfortably crowded.. meaning packed enough for the partying atmosphere but Not so packed till you have no breathing/dancing space..

To have my cake and eat it Too:
- go with a REALLY BIG group of friends and occupy most of the dance flour so that people will dance around your group instead of shoving you elsewhere. there'll be less nudging and no "migration" during the course of the night
-go with some guys so that if some random guy starts dancing with you and you don't like it, you'll just turn towards your friend. no needless "migration" as well.
-find out when the club will play your favourite music and when Most of the student population will be there

As with everything else in Life, there'll be some Great clubbing nites and some "duh" clubbing nites...i'll just have to learn how to pick my nites.. *grins*

random scribblings..

i've always been an open book, telling people around me what i feel, what i think about anything, everything at most moments....well, amy and hoon shien can attest to that..hehe..

suddenly, i realized that it's getting harder and harder for me to express myself to others. sometimes, facing the blank post, i'd scribble something then delete it because i'm quite uncomfortable with the idea of baring myself..thus and therefore, there are many more pictures in my blog than there are long posts. sometimes, i'd just rather keep my thoughts to myself of stating it out. only a very very big issue would propel me to state my comments on it.. it has come to such extent that my coll medics thought that i am quiet.. hahaha.. that's quite disconcerting because i've never been quiet in my whole life. i've always been opinionated and quite vocal as well..

i wonder why the sudden change? sign of growing up or sign of inconfidence?

somethings are better left unsaid, i agree. saying it would just make the situation worse, if you can save yourself that, may as well not say anything. and some thoughts you just want to keep to yourself to savour and think and re-think. there's no need to tell someone what you think if it's irrevelent to what's happening at that moment. i used to think that if you Have to tell people what you observed or think though it's irrelevent, you are just inconfident of what you've thought and that you wanted affirmation that what you think is correct. and some feelings you just want to keep inside you instead of hashing it all out e.g homesickness, worries, anxiety. maybe it's because i feel that i should give myself a chance to deal with my feelings and problems first before letting other people know. besides, sometimes the feelings are so illogical that looking back, you'll feel like an idiot for having expressed that..or maybe i'm just deathly afraid of being judged now for whatever i say or do? hmm...maybe.. maybe keeping something to yourself and making a decision for yourself, you save yourself the scrutiny that you are subjected to if you had expressed it.

having said that, it's an irony that i'm posting this on my blog..*grins*

Spring is in the air..

bright sunlight before 7am, bright sunlight after 6pm..
warmer, time to shed those heavy coats..
beautiful blue skys and puffy clouds
daffodils and tulips blooming in the gardens
fat pigeon sitting on the tree outside my window
oh...it's so beautiful..

Why do my heart sigh?

sighs.

Happy WOMEN'S Day!!!!!!!!!!

-to celebrate us being women
-to free us from oppresion of society's norms, obligations, standards
-to raise concerns about women violence
-to provide more resources for women seeking help e.g abuse, single mothers
-etc..

in my ideal world, women can walk in the streets at night without feeling afraid. women can walk into a bar full of men without being harrased. women are allowed to achieve what they want, in any profession even that dominated by men. women can get the same amount of pay for the same job as men. women are given the same opportunities to climb the corporate ladder-no more old boys club. women are respected in the working world and sexual harrassment; verbal or otherwise are stopped. single fathers are frowned upon by the society as much as single mothers are. women do not suffer in silence of domestic abuse. men are not exempted from their crimes just because they are men. genocide is stopped. women are empowered to voice their concerns and to speak against the hurt inflicted on them.

Yes, we do want to scale new heights and let the sky be the limit. celebrate equality between men and women. and we want to appreciated for being who we are...even with our monthly pms, depression, fickle-mindedness, shopping, gossiping with other women, nagging...

we do still love men.

but stop hurting us: grandmothers,mothers,wives,sisters,girlfriends,daughters.

Biting off more than I can chew?

Amidst all the activities, the university work lies lurking quietly behind the background. there's the daily rush of practicals, labs, dissections, supervisions, essays and reports to rush, and loads of reading to catch up on and tests coming up this week and next..and in May will the be the dreaded Tripos....

lined up this week, I've got Homerton formal and Caius formal, perhaps a Cumas meeting coming up (?), an MCQ mock test this friday, ISBM and MSOC next friday whose passing marks is a bloody high 70%......stooooooopid..

I' ve just got back from Oxford as mentioned earlier, tired. I've just played netball in Oxford, something I played a while back when I was in secondary school.. *hazy memories* not knowing what to do, I just played after refreshing my memories of the rules there and then....well it didn't go very well.. effort was made in running around and jumping up and down to block the ball but tactic was poor... all in all, it's a good game and it piqued my interest in netball!! yesterday, i cycled to Girton to a swim even though I haven't cycled in years and subsequently fell of my bike 4 times..well on soft grass..so it's not too bad..haha..i realized that i am doing a lot more things that i never have the nerve to try before and I am just basically feeling my way around it like the blind..telling myself that it'll be ok and that it'll turn out all right, being slightly blindingly optimistic i think...

it's all very exciting and exactly what I wanted out of my student life..to basically try as much things as possible..

but.....considering that my work is suffering.. i really wonder if I have bitten off more than i can chew?

sighs.

Trinity Formal (3rd March)

Trinity formal (3rd March) clockwise fr left: Tsing Ling, Chee Lup, Sinyi, Me. happy wine-RS!!!!


well..red wine this time..clockwise from left: Chee Lup, Irene, Sinyi, Me.

the week after the toiling for Malaysian Food feast was a lazy week filled with staying in and basically enjoy my room without worrying about the feast..ahh..bliss. then came the Trinity formal..thanks Piing Chau. The food was Fanstatic.....except for the dessert *makes face* but the compensatory dessert from Sains made up for it...hehe.. well, every formal wouldn't be complete without any wine, red or white.. well we got both, as evidently seen. Finally got a chance to try port but we made a mistake and bought a lousy port... so I didn't really like it very much..apparently it's a female drink as well, meaning that it's sweet. in the same sense that Baileys, Sheridan, Malibu are girl drinks as well..I finally came to a conclusion, if I don't get anything out of my Cambridge experience [touch wood!], at least I learnt how to cook for 200 ppl and got an alcohol education..*wink*

I've just got back from Oxford today but I have no pics to post up as yet..I'd still prefer Cambridge over Oxford though even Oxford have bigger colleges, bigger streets, more shopping area [they even have Zara!! *scandalised*], better selection of food chinese, western or otherwise..

Does no place like home ring a bell? i realized that i've grown quite attached to Cambridge and over the course of 6 months, it has become my home. All the small lanes with bicycles, and squashed-up buildings near each other, all the small pattiseries to get sinful pastries like Nadia's, Presto, midnight jaunt out to Gardies, jogging along the river, meeting up with Sinyi for lunch dates have become a norm and something to look forward to.

And my room has become my haven.. coming back to my quiet room at the end of a busy day, I'll just sit on my chair and stare outside to my window and recollect myself. peace.quiet moment. silence. *contented*