Went for a plethora of tests today at the hospital. Check-ups and such. Thankfully, loads of fears are unfounded though a doctor declared that I have double the risk of getting breast cancer *makes face* and my heart is pronounced healthy. Which is somewhat comforting but not quite there.
War of the Worlds was wonderful. I loved every bit of it. Dakota Fanning was fanstatic. Tom Cruise is still watchable though slightly on the old side. There are so many bits and pieces to pick on throughout the movie. Plus, this is my first movie here since I got back and I loved the pre-movie commercials which I finally get, unlike some Brittish commercials which would make me go "Huh?" at the end of it. Though some Malaysian commercials are super super cheesy!!!
and I suddenly have a 12 o'clock curfew, dictated by Mum. sigh, this would need some getting used to I guess after months of freedom in Cambridge. Apparently, Penang is a DANGEROUS place. After hearing all the horror stories, I guess my Mum's right. Yup, fallen into The Cambridge Bubble again.
oh well, this Is a boring post and I could not care more to make it more interesting. *sticks out tongue*
Thursday, June 30, 2005
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Biological Clock
During my flight back from Heathrow, I sat beside the most interesting passenger. She was in her late thirties, a Penangite working in Bristol. She's travelling with her family back to Penang. The conversation was progressing normally with all the usual questions; What you doing? Where? How many years? etc etc..
Then, she started telling me about her sister-in-law practicing law in Manchester and how her sister-in-law's family adopted a kid. That triggered her off. She started advising me on marrying early and getting kids earlier because the later you delay, the more difficult it becomes to conceive. Then, I pointed out a MAJOR problem for her. I see No one in sight for me. *chuckles*
Then, sensing that I might be picky or something. She started pointing towards her husband and in a hushed tone, told how she didn't like husband as first. Did not like the looks. Did not like the person. etc.. found him irritating and such.
As all romances go, One fine day, during her examination period, he came to her room to chat to her. After that, she could not put him out of her mind and his vision started flashing in her mind during the examinations. Being a devout Christian, she believed that the visions are signs from God telling her that he's THE ONE for her. and awww..everything went perfectly from then on.
Then, she started telling me about how she embraced Christianity when she was 9 and how it changed her life. Her husband is one of the said examples.
I don't wish to hurt anyone who are devout Christians but at that moment, I was so bemused by her words that I was trying to hold back my chuckles. I was being told that my biological clock is ticking down and that I must heed signs from God to lead me to the correct one, though how unappealing my mind is telling me about any particular person. sigh, I wish that it's as simple as that. For God to highlight the Love of my life with STABILO Bright Yellow highlighter so that I would pick him up.
So, in conclusion, I am still as single as ever. a Happy one at that. waiting for the right one instead of settling. oh well, the right one might be in my blind spot for all I know. but right Now, I am a Happy chick. *grins*
That would answer many questions about my love life diguised as "So, tell me about your life?" when you actually meant, "So, tell me about you LOVE life?" *wink*
trust me on that because I am As kaypoh as you and I use that ruse many times..haha
no offense intended to anyone. =)
Happy Holidays!
Then, she started telling me about her sister-in-law practicing law in Manchester and how her sister-in-law's family adopted a kid. That triggered her off. She started advising me on marrying early and getting kids earlier because the later you delay, the more difficult it becomes to conceive. Then, I pointed out a MAJOR problem for her. I see No one in sight for me. *chuckles*
Then, sensing that I might be picky or something. She started pointing towards her husband and in a hushed tone, told how she didn't like husband as first. Did not like the looks. Did not like the person. etc.. found him irritating and such.
As all romances go, One fine day, during her examination period, he came to her room to chat to her. After that, she could not put him out of her mind and his vision started flashing in her mind during the examinations. Being a devout Christian, she believed that the visions are signs from God telling her that he's THE ONE for her. and awww..everything went perfectly from then on.
Then, she started telling me about how she embraced Christianity when she was 9 and how it changed her life. Her husband is one of the said examples.
I don't wish to hurt anyone who are devout Christians but at that moment, I was so bemused by her words that I was trying to hold back my chuckles. I was being told that my biological clock is ticking down and that I must heed signs from God to lead me to the correct one, though how unappealing my mind is telling me about any particular person. sigh, I wish that it's as simple as that. For God to highlight the Love of my life with STABILO Bright Yellow highlighter so that I would pick him up.
So, in conclusion, I am still as single as ever. a Happy one at that. waiting for the right one instead of settling. oh well, the right one might be in my blind spot for all I know. but right Now, I am a Happy chick. *grins*
That would answer many questions about my love life diguised as "So, tell me about your life?" when you actually meant, "So, tell me about you LOVE life?" *wink*
trust me on that because I am As kaypoh as you and I use that ruse many times..haha
no offense intended to anyone. =)
Happy Holidays!
Monday, June 27, 2005
Happy times...
I just want to record these moments before i forgot them all.
Sitting in Kensington Gardens in front of the lake with Daryl, Shanci & Christine. Leaning back and looking at the blue blue sky. So beautiful and so peaceful, almost as if you can drown in the blueness of the sky. Plus, we were trying to crush Daryl which we 3 girls managed to do. *chuckle*
Sitting in Duke York Park.
Watching Hotel Rwanda till the sun rises, cuddling under the duvet and pillows.
Moments that I'll remember forever.
p.s: will write more when less lazy. =)
Sitting in Kensington Gardens in front of the lake with Daryl, Shanci & Christine. Leaning back and looking at the blue blue sky. So beautiful and so peaceful, almost as if you can drown in the blueness of the sky. Plus, we were trying to crush Daryl which we 3 girls managed to do. *chuckle*
Sitting in Duke York Park.
Watching Hotel Rwanda till the sun rises, cuddling under the duvet and pillows.
Moments that I'll remember forever.
p.s: will write more when less lazy. =)
Saturday, June 25, 2005
Closure.
Finally finished packing. Everything that belongs to me are now in brown boxes, ready to be tossed into the storage room. Feeling drained, melancholy, wistful.
I thought that I'll be esctatic by the prospect of going home but now I have a deep sick feeling in my stomach. I will miss my room, Cambridge, my friends terribly over summer. Over the year, my room has become my home. My little sanctuary from the outside. A place where all my inhibitions are removed. A welcome relief after a long day. Cards, photos of family & friends, posters etc, random stuff thrown about my room. These all made my room Mine. Now, emptied of anything that belongs to me, it feels alien and strange again. Like back on Night One, when I was a fresh-eyed fresher, feeling excited but lost.
That is how I am feeling about year 2. A tad wary of what lies ahead. Unsure of many many things. Feeling like a piece of wood being tossed about in the sea during a violent storm; having no control over what will be happening next.
That is exactly how I felt throughout this year. Making decisions along the way, no beforehand planning. Some regrettable, some not. Lost some friends, gained some. I have had the best moment and pulled through the worst moment.
Though still feeling lost, at least now I know what I want out of from my year 2; what I'll do differently. and the faith that whatever that is thrown at me, I'll pull through somehow.
Yes, my year 1 and my room has both served their purpose. Time to close the door. To say Goodbye.
I thought that I'll be esctatic by the prospect of going home but now I have a deep sick feeling in my stomach. I will miss my room, Cambridge, my friends terribly over summer. Over the year, my room has become my home. My little sanctuary from the outside. A place where all my inhibitions are removed. A welcome relief after a long day. Cards, photos of family & friends, posters etc, random stuff thrown about my room. These all made my room Mine. Now, emptied of anything that belongs to me, it feels alien and strange again. Like back on Night One, when I was a fresh-eyed fresher, feeling excited but lost.
That is how I am feeling about year 2. A tad wary of what lies ahead. Unsure of many many things. Feeling like a piece of wood being tossed about in the sea during a violent storm; having no control over what will be happening next.
That is exactly how I felt throughout this year. Making decisions along the way, no beforehand planning. Some regrettable, some not. Lost some friends, gained some. I have had the best moment and pulled through the worst moment.
Though still feeling lost, at least now I know what I want out of from my year 2; what I'll do differently. and the faith that whatever that is thrown at me, I'll pull through somehow.
Yes, my year 1 and my room has both served their purpose. Time to close the door. To say Goodbye.
Friday, June 24, 2005
Delaying packing
I know that I have to finish packing really soon. I started today with one measly box and my efforts just stopped there.
Plain as day, I am just procrastinating as usual. Deep down inside, I know that I am delaying it because I'll get reflective as I am packing. I'll think about the highs and lows and I Know that I might just burst into tears at some point. So, my strategy is to delay it till the very last minute and then have a last minute packing which would not allow me any time to reflect back.
It'll be painful to reflect. So many things have gone right this year and so many things haven't as well. The good moments are aplenty. I would single out watching the sunrise at Castle Mound at 3.30am as the BEST moment ever. It was sheer beauty. Standing at the top overlooking Cambridge and slowly watching see Cambridge come to light. *wistful* The single Worst moment that I have had is during the middle of Tripos when I just got really really depressed. I blame it on stress screwing up my Pms. But that moment made me realize that there are so many things that I wish are different. Thinking of all the "what if"s if I made an effort to change them made me even more depressed. I managed to supressed all the depression to get through the rest of Tripos and after that I have been having fun since. No time to sit down to think. Now, I guess there's no more running and it's time to open Pandora's box again.
On another note, I went to my coll bar today. This guy started being overly friendly to me and I was surprised. After a few sentences, I finally found that he just broke up with his girlfriend yesterday and his ex-girlfriend was just sitting right behind me. Yup. Trying to make his ex-girlfriend jealous. Awkward moment. What an ass. Thank God after a while, he went away and I went to talk to his ex-girlfriend. Urrggh, I don't want to get caught in between any mess especially when I am just trying to feel my way among my coll mates. sigh, disappointed once again.Plus, just found out this week that a friend of mine broke up. A friend who is idealistic and whom I always thought that if this friend started any relationship, it'll definitely last. That kind of friend. For this friend to have found someone, I was really happy for my friend. It's kind of proof that it could be done. Now, my friend broke up. A million things could go wrong and it's so fragile and it's so unattainable. There's so many hurdles to go through. From the period of finding someone that you like, from the period of "tackling" the person, from the "honeymoon" period, from the trying to fit each other period, from the settled/boring period with "distractions". So much effort to make it last. Even typing all the hurdles down is a chore, not counting those miles apart. Hats off to those maintaining a long distance relationship. Thank you for showing me that it's doable. =)
Plain as day, I am just procrastinating as usual. Deep down inside, I know that I am delaying it because I'll get reflective as I am packing. I'll think about the highs and lows and I Know that I might just burst into tears at some point. So, my strategy is to delay it till the very last minute and then have a last minute packing which would not allow me any time to reflect back.
It'll be painful to reflect. So many things have gone right this year and so many things haven't as well. The good moments are aplenty. I would single out watching the sunrise at Castle Mound at 3.30am as the BEST moment ever. It was sheer beauty. Standing at the top overlooking Cambridge and slowly watching see Cambridge come to light. *wistful* The single Worst moment that I have had is during the middle of Tripos when I just got really really depressed. I blame it on stress screwing up my Pms. But that moment made me realize that there are so many things that I wish are different. Thinking of all the "what if"s if I made an effort to change them made me even more depressed. I managed to supressed all the depression to get through the rest of Tripos and after that I have been having fun since. No time to sit down to think. Now, I guess there's no more running and it's time to open Pandora's box again.
On another note, I went to my coll bar today. This guy started being overly friendly to me and I was surprised. After a few sentences, I finally found that he just broke up with his girlfriend yesterday and his ex-girlfriend was just sitting right behind me. Yup. Trying to make his ex-girlfriend jealous. Awkward moment. What an ass. Thank God after a while, he went away and I went to talk to his ex-girlfriend. Urrggh, I don't want to get caught in between any mess especially when I am just trying to feel my way among my coll mates. sigh, disappointed once again.Plus, just found out this week that a friend of mine broke up. A friend who is idealistic and whom I always thought that if this friend started any relationship, it'll definitely last. That kind of friend. For this friend to have found someone, I was really happy for my friend. It's kind of proof that it could be done. Now, my friend broke up. A million things could go wrong and it's so fragile and it's so unattainable. There's so many hurdles to go through. From the period of finding someone that you like, from the period of "tackling" the person, from the "honeymoon" period, from the trying to fit each other period, from the settled/boring period with "distractions". So much effort to make it last. Even typing all the hurdles down is a chore, not counting those miles apart. Hats off to those maintaining a long distance relationship. Thank you for showing me that it's doable. =)
Sunday, June 19, 2005
Constants, changes
People change, friends come and go, parents would eventually leave someday, somewhat. The world moves on, every year bring changes. The feeling, the taste, the smell of a place changes with time. Like the tree in front of my window, when I first arrived here, it was green, bountiful. Over winter, the leaves fell off and it became barren and cold. Now, spring and summer is here, it bounces back into life, blooming with greenness!
But..
It IS different now. It still looks the same if you don't look too closely. Generally, it's still the same green tree when I first arrive. But every leaf now is different, the colour, the arrangement, the number of leaves are different if you happen to scrutinize.
That IS how I feel after 9 months here. Everything is highly volatile. Changes after changes after changes. Not only in me but the place, the people, home. That no matter how much I want it to stay the same.. the same old me. I just can't. Keep on changing, changing as time goes. It's just like the tree. If I don't look too hard, I can still pretend that it's the same. But if I look slightly closer, the amount of changes is overwhelming.
sigh. I am tired of changing. I want the changes to stop where I am happiest. Like having time suspended in a crystal ball. Ping's happiest moment. Wouldn't that be great?
sigh. But then, I can't always have what I want. There are always rude shocks, rude awakenings. People that you once thought were but isn't now. Things which you were familiar with last time decided suddenly to change. It's all so unsettling. I hate to pick up the pieces time after time when there's any changes and change with it to make myself happy again.
Looking on, there's still a huge expanse of time stretched in front of me. 50 years, give or take. I wonder how I'll survive.
Trying to be happy all the time is so tiring.
But..
It IS different now. It still looks the same if you don't look too closely. Generally, it's still the same green tree when I first arrive. But every leaf now is different, the colour, the arrangement, the number of leaves are different if you happen to scrutinize.
That IS how I feel after 9 months here. Everything is highly volatile. Changes after changes after changes. Not only in me but the place, the people, home. That no matter how much I want it to stay the same.. the same old me. I just can't. Keep on changing, changing as time goes. It's just like the tree. If I don't look too hard, I can still pretend that it's the same. But if I look slightly closer, the amount of changes is overwhelming.
sigh. I am tired of changing. I want the changes to stop where I am happiest. Like having time suspended in a crystal ball. Ping's happiest moment. Wouldn't that be great?
sigh. But then, I can't always have what I want. There are always rude shocks, rude awakenings. People that you once thought were but isn't now. Things which you were familiar with last time decided suddenly to change. It's all so unsettling. I hate to pick up the pieces time after time when there's any changes and change with it to make myself happy again.
Looking on, there's still a huge expanse of time stretched in front of me. 50 years, give or take. I wonder how I'll survive.
Trying to be happy all the time is so tiring.
Saturday, June 11, 2005
I want to stop.
It's not fun anymore. It stopped being fun quite some time ago. I stuck with it thinking that it'll get better but apparently, it's just an excuse that I am giving myself. The ego in me that thinks that I should not have made a wrong choice. But, I have clearly made a wrong choice. If it's making me unhappy, why stick around with it? when time after time, you give it chances to prove itself but it doesn't do it.
just quit.
just quit.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
