For posterity's sake

As I can no longer relate to the younger me who wrote and designed this blog, I decided that it needed a revamp in image/content/motto.

However, as with everything that I needed to throw away, there is always a sense of nostalgia and unwillingness to part. Therefore, I decided to immortalise my previous description of my blog in this post as I think that IT truly defined what I felt then and what I still feel a little now.

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I am Not who I think I am.
I am Not who You think I am.
I am Not who I once was.
I am Not who I will be.
Take me as I am Now for I will change again.
Not good. Not bad. Just am.
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Ten Years Time

Do you have a vision?
Do you have a goal?
I'm watching you shrugging your shoulders, telling me you just don't know.
Do you get emotional?
Is there something you're passionate about?
I can tell that you're still searching, still trying to work it all out.
It takes time.
Take your time.
Mm mmm.
You will know when it feels right.

Where you gonna be in ten years' time?
And will you be happy with the way you've been living your life?
Will you be all right?
'Cause when you're looking back to now on the years gone by,
Will there be something that you say that you should have done right in your life?

What would you fight for?
For what do you stand?
And how would you go about it?
And do you have a master plan?
What are your demons?
And how much for your soul?
Or have you found religion and gone down that road?
I guess we all need something to believe.
Oh ooh oh.
Times haven't changed.
That's how it's got to be.

Where you gonna be in ten years' time?
And will you be happy with the way you've been living your life?
Will you be all right?
Yeah, yeah.
'Cause when you're looking back to now on the years gone by,
Will there be something that you say that you should have done right?
We're talking about your life.

Are you a dreamer?
Tell me all your dreams.
Can you say honestly what you want to be?
What would you do when your back's against the wall?
Would you stand on your two feet?
Would you admit defeat?
These are the times we need to be strong.
Don't you know? Don't you know that it's hard?
But we learn.
We find a way.
We got to find away to carry on.

Where you gonna be in ten years' time? (ten years time)
Will you be all right?
Tell me will you get it right?
Get it right?
Yeah.
Where you gonna to be in ten years' time? (ten years' time)
Will you be happy with the way that you're living your life?
Do you feel it'll be all right?
Be all right?
Where you gonna be in ten years' time? (ten years' time)
Will you be all right?
Tell me will you get it right?
Get it right?
Yeah.
Where you gonna be in ten years' time?

*sung by Gabrielle, a lot longer in the original version*
thought that it's appropriate since graduation is impending =)

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Random-ers.

not just another face.
wanting it to matter, to be tangible and permanent.
landed and grounded.
looking up and hesitating.
beautiful expressions, expressing beauty.
because it hurts.
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What makes me, Now?

was pleasantly surprised when I found out that my neglected blog is still garnering new readers. I thought that my blog would have curled up in a corner and died naturally due to neglect. I had Intended for my blog to die as I decided to be all grown up and stop spewing my feelings out in the open. How arrogant is That and in an ironic twist, immature! ;)

So, at this moment at 1.00am, I am resurrecting it again. *chants, rolls eyes heavenward, dances around a fire and thumps chest*

The reasons for resurrection are simple: my self-reflective memory lectures, Amy Tan's 'The Bonesetter's Daughter' book, missing writing so badly that it aches, needing to keep in touch. Whatever the initial reasons were, perhaps just sheer vanity, I am really glad that I decided to read it again. :)

The old posts allowed me to understand where I came from, who I was and how did I become who I am Now. There was a sense of connection and familiarity with this girl who was previously me, yet there was a sense of curiosity and unfamiliarity about her, the old me.

"What makes/made me, Now?"

My previous decisions/experiences made me, Now but my memories makes me, Now. Without memories, what makes a man? What could you base your current decisions on? There is no good/bad feelings to fall back on to make current decisions. Even our 'gut feelings' are based on previous experiences. Do we become friends because of the past we share? Do we still love each other because we remembered how it was like in the beginning? Do we become who we are now because our previous actions landed us here and now? Without the ability to remember or to keep memories, there is no continuity with the past and no continuity into the future. Ironically, my blog description is about taking me as I am NOW, it's all about making the most of A Moment.

A moment, encapsulated is perhaps what I was searching for. :)

My hands

Small with stubby fingers that never grown into graceful long, tapered fingers no matter how much I wish them to be.

Fingers that are never long enough to play an octave.

Fingers that hated the piano since it learnt that the price of not playing well is a sharp rap on the knuckles.

Fingers that stumbled clumsily along the white keys and froze with panic during examinations.

Fingers that yearn to play beautiful music, music that could lift the soul and put a smile on the lips.

but they never could, despite the years of training, money, energy and tears spent. and so, those fingers hid away in shame. never to touch the white keys anymore. fingers that forgot what a staccato feels like. difference between a minor and major? to play a thrill?

going for BBC Proms. I can at least hear beautiful music, if I can't play it. :)

Tuesdays with Morrie

In spite of much hype about the book, I have only started reading the book yesterday. I had brushed the hype aside, thinking that it's another touchy-feely, wishy-washy, self-help book with all the cliched lessons that we have been taught by Pendidikan Moral, Mum and Chicken Soup for Every Soul Imaginable.

Hence, I picked the book up with derision and a touch of cynicism. Little did I know that the good old values were written in such a way that it could still touch me. I was so touched that my eyes began to tear and I had to "tahan" since I was in Borders after all. It would be a comically tragic Cambridge scene, if I started bawling my eyes out with my dishevelled hair(day in library), crumply clothes(too busy to iron), a book on Human Reproduction and a stack of notes in my arms. A student on nervous breakdown would be quickly assumed ;)

Yes, it is Still a cliched book. Filled with all the good, sensible thoughts that we know but occasionally/never do; always have time for family and friends, don't dwell in self-pity, trust people and earn trust in return, open your heart to love, be positive, etc. They are all old lessons but forgotten in parts. I guess, once a while, a cliched book should come your way to kick your ass to make you remember your lessons and do the right thing. Of course, an incident to drive home the point would be ideal.....

Always have time for family and friends, in my case, strangers in need.

Earlier on Thursday, I was in Sainsbury when all my coins fell out of my purse and ran in every direction at the Sainsbury entrance. ONE POUND rolled and rolled near to the deli counter. One rather old man with a cane was there and was chasing after the ONE POUND for me. After I had picked up all my coins except for the ONE POUND that went missing, he gestured to me that it's under the shelves of Easter Eggs by the entrance. I was not up for lying at the floor and trying to peer under the shelves to find that ONE POUND. My reasons being that it's undignified and my ass would be sticking out towards the entrance for everyone coming into Sainsbury to see. So I just bent down and gave a little peek. Not having spot the ONE POUND, I decided to give up and tried to thank the nice old man for his troubles on my behalf.

Then, another nice old lady with a cane stopped by and was asking me what had happened. "Oh dear, I shouldn't quit looking for the coin now," I thought to myself. So I gingerly lowered myself to the floor again and tried to angle my ass away from the entrance to spot the ONE POUND once more. The old lady offered me her cane to poke around! Then, the old man himself lowered himself to the ground and try to spot the ONE POUND for me. Their kindness is unbelievable! I couldn't believe that two people with walking disabilities were willing to through so much trouble just for this girl and her missing ONE POUND.

That incident touched me and Tuesdays with Morrie reminded me of their kindness for a stranger. They had time to help me even when they could just ignore my predicament and continued with their shopping. I, myself would have given up if not for them- it's too much of a bother for just ONE POUND. Hmm...the world is not such an ugly place after all. People still care for you. You are not just another faceless, nameless person in the crowd. There is always spare time to help look for someone's else ONE POUND, no matter how little they think it's worth because you could make someone's day!

So, what happened to the ONE POUND?

The ONE POUND was NOT under the shelves. It was standing quietly in open view on the floor behind the shelves. We finally found it after much hassle and perhaps in time for a lesson learnt.

:)

Heartwarmers

smell of the air after rain, sunsets, beach, sun on skin, broad grins and hearty laughter, cute animals, a child's wide-eyed wonder, smell of cake baking in the oven, "Butterfly Kisses" on iTunes, seating at the backseat of my daddy's car cruising along the beach at night, seeing the brightly lit outline of Penang becoming bigger and bigger as the plane/coach approaches Penang...

Go back home this summer for 3 months?

=)

(No subject)

Strung like a puppet,
Every action is deliberate
With thought,
Is this correct?
Will this be accepted?
Play it safe,
Play it by the puppeteer’s direction,
A tug here,
Wineglass is held up to the lips,
Another tug there,
A bright smile and a timely enthusiastic nod,
Yet another hard tug,
A witty comment with chuckles,
Jerking the puppet hurriedly,
Act I followed by Act II, III,
A compliment here, a diplomatic answer there,
Final act, one last winning smile,
The curtain closes,
One last jerk as yet,
She smiles and curtsies,
To applause and critics likewise.