Constants, changes

People change, friends come and go, parents would eventually leave someday, somewhat. The world moves on, every year bring changes. The feeling, the taste, the smell of a place changes with time. Like the tree in front of my window, when I first arrived here, it was green, bountiful. Over winter, the leaves fell off and it became barren and cold. Now, spring and summer is here, it bounces back into life, blooming with greenness!

But..

It IS different now. It still looks the same if you don't look too closely. Generally, it's still the same green tree when I first arrive. But every leaf now is different, the colour, the arrangement, the number of leaves are different if you happen to scrutinize.

That IS how I feel after 9 months here. Everything is highly volatile. Changes after changes after changes. Not only in me but the place, the people, home. That no matter how much I want it to stay the same.. the same old me. I just can't. Keep on changing, changing as time goes. It's just like the tree. If I don't look too hard, I can still pretend that it's the same. But if I look slightly closer, the amount of changes is overwhelming.

sigh. I am tired of changing. I want the changes to stop where I am happiest. Like having time suspended in a crystal ball. Ping's happiest moment. Wouldn't that be great?

sigh. But then, I can't always have what I want. There are always rude shocks, rude awakenings. People that you once thought were but isn't now. Things which you were familiar with last time decided suddenly to change. It's all so unsettling. I hate to pick up the pieces time after time when there's any changes and change with it to make myself happy again.

Looking on, there's still a huge expanse of time stretched in front of me. 50 years, give or take. I wonder how I'll survive.

Trying to be happy all the time is so tiring.