Hello Blog..

How have you been doing? Sorry that I have been away for such a long time. It's been almost a year.

A whirlwind year. Year of 2007-2008.

The year that I ran after Time, gasping and out-of-breath but still kept on running. At times, it felt good to run after Time; the adrenaline pumping through my veins and I can hear my heart beating in my ears. I felt Truly Alive.. But on other times, I was so exhausted that putting my arms into my sleeves was a chore. But, I did keep on running after it...

Let's start from May 2007. Many things happened like The Last Tripos, Ibiza, Graduation, Parents in UK, Summer Research, HongKong, Malaysia, Stage 1 Clinical School, Staying in the Middle of Nowhere, Peterborough, Venice, back to Addenbrookes and now, the End of Stage 1.

Now is the time for me to rest. To rest my legs for a while, to stop chasing after Time.

love, ping x

On a Bright, Sunday afternoon

Feel Free.. (to wear SunScreen)

I've seen this before but seeing it again just makes me loads happier! Thought that I'll put it here so that I don't forget it again. :)

Doll Face

I did it again

Last easter break, in the midst of the craziness of cramming for exams and fear-stricken, I went to Borders and got touched by a book. Tears fell and I came away from it a bit more reassured that if I failed my Tripos, I can still aim to be a good person.

The book was 'Tuesdays with Morrie' by Mitch Albom and I blogged about it then.

Today's book was 'The 5 People You Meet in Heaven' by Mitch Albom. Yes, Again. Though, the reason that drove me to Borders this year was different. It was because my bedder needed to clean my room and Sidney library was full of hard-working, fear-stricken students. I simply could not find a seat *deja vu* I had no where to go for half and hour and decided to just drop by Borders. Perhaps, it is serendipity. Picked up Mitch Albom again and the recurring theme is 'How to lead a meaningful life?' And like the girl that never learnt her lesson, there I was with my pile books and silently trying to hold back my tears. Again.

Once is good as a well-learnt lesson and you feel special like you were touched by an angel. But, twice is Just...........painfully embarrasing. *winces*

Thank God, this is my last Tripos. Never again, I'll be driven to cry in a bookstore. *notes to self*

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On a totally separate note, it is a well-known fact that a hormone released during labour has amnesic effects on the mother. Therefore, she forgot the awful, body-splitting pain that she felt during the labour after sometime and thought confidently to herself, "Hey, that wasn't too bad. Let's have another go!" Then, she gets pregnant again and then the pain comes Again. And, memory is Always without fail, kinder than reality.

When I heard it, it sounds like Tripos to me. As in, Tripos is the Labour. Every year, Tripos pain hits! Around April, you wake up feeling fearful every morning and guzzles caffeine/lucozade/caffeine tablets and workworkworkworkworkwork. Sleeping is not an option and you feel heavier each day with the growing fear/guilt except that your head feels lighter from all the hair that you are shedding. You pray really hard and hope that God punishes you for your laziness in other ways than your Tripos. Perhaps, the hair can be sacrificed.

Then Tripos came and went. Hey, it's Mayweek, you come out in your sunnies and strappy tops, feeling the sun on your skin. Awesome! Mind-blowing fun! You go to Mayballs, garden parties, drink, party and be merry! Slowly, the funfunfunfunfunfun wiped out any memory of the pain that you suffered for Tripos.

Then, you start your academic year thinking, " Hey, bring Tripos on. I can do it and it wasn't that bad the last time'. And you doss around the whole of Michaelmas and Lent. Except that now is Labour/Tripos Time again.

"Uh oh, why was I so silly. Again? ", the little fear-stricken voice in your heart whispers.

In search of love

In light of the cruel massacre that hit the news today, I found an uplifting yet heartwrenching tale of unconditional giving and selfless love. Hope that this tale will soothe the angry and despairing heart over the ugliness of the human nature.


**Sacramento Bee**


It's a story about a mother caring for her young, cancer-stricken son through his pain-filled days till death. There are so many wonderful shots; the mother's tireless fight to make her son's few moments left on earth filled with simple joys such as racing down the hospital hallway and driving the car at 10 years old. The fight to live LIFE to the fullest in the simplest way is inspiring!

http://www.pulitzer.org/year/2007/feature-photography/works/index.html

Let the tears fall.

:)

In search of motivation...

"Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education alone will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan "press on" has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race." - John Calvin Coolidge

Do you believe in immortality? "No. And one life is enough for me."

The question was asked of Albert Einstein and that was his answer. I lifted it from an article provocatively titled 'Einstein and Faith'. It's a good reason to procrastinate. :)

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1607298-1,00.html

There are so many nuggets of wisdom in that article but this particular question and answer has the most impact on me because it is Exactly what I believe and try to live by.

One life is enough for me. It has to be and it Will be.

*meant to be philosophical and not morbid*

;)

Since I am on the roll, might as well.

Taken in Fez, Morocco. I absolutely adore this picture! It captures perfectly the feeling that one has when one looks up at the Oh, so Blue! skies and sees the flock of birds flying overhead. This is what I call a moment, encapsulated. :)

For posterity's sake

As I can no longer relate to the younger me who wrote and designed this blog, I decided that it needed a revamp in image/content/motto.

However, as with everything that I needed to throw away, there is always a sense of nostalgia and unwillingness to part. Therefore, I decided to immortalise my previous description of my blog in this post as I think that IT truly defined what I felt then and what I still feel a little now.

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I am Not who I think I am.
I am Not who You think I am.
I am Not who I once was.
I am Not who I will be.
Take me as I am Now for I will change again.
Not good. Not bad. Just am.
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Ten Years Time

Do you have a vision?
Do you have a goal?
I'm watching you shrugging your shoulders, telling me you just don't know.
Do you get emotional?
Is there something you're passionate about?
I can tell that you're still searching, still trying to work it all out.
It takes time.
Take your time.
Mm mmm.
You will know when it feels right.

Where you gonna be in ten years' time?
And will you be happy with the way you've been living your life?
Will you be all right?
'Cause when you're looking back to now on the years gone by,
Will there be something that you say that you should have done right in your life?

What would you fight for?
For what do you stand?
And how would you go about it?
And do you have a master plan?
What are your demons?
And how much for your soul?
Or have you found religion and gone down that road?
I guess we all need something to believe.
Oh ooh oh.
Times haven't changed.
That's how it's got to be.

Where you gonna be in ten years' time?
And will you be happy with the way you've been living your life?
Will you be all right?
Yeah, yeah.
'Cause when you're looking back to now on the years gone by,
Will there be something that you say that you should have done right?
We're talking about your life.

Are you a dreamer?
Tell me all your dreams.
Can you say honestly what you want to be?
What would you do when your back's against the wall?
Would you stand on your two feet?
Would you admit defeat?
These are the times we need to be strong.
Don't you know? Don't you know that it's hard?
But we learn.
We find a way.
We got to find away to carry on.

Where you gonna be in ten years' time? (ten years time)
Will you be all right?
Tell me will you get it right?
Get it right?
Yeah.
Where you gonna to be in ten years' time? (ten years' time)
Will you be happy with the way that you're living your life?
Do you feel it'll be all right?
Be all right?
Where you gonna be in ten years' time? (ten years' time)
Will you be all right?
Tell me will you get it right?
Get it right?
Yeah.
Where you gonna be in ten years' time?

*sung by Gabrielle, a lot longer in the original version*
thought that it's appropriate since graduation is impending =)

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Random-ers.

not just another face.
wanting it to matter, to be tangible and permanent.
landed and grounded.
looking up and hesitating.
beautiful expressions, expressing beauty.
because it hurts.
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What makes me, Now?

was pleasantly surprised when I found out that my neglected blog is still garnering new readers. I thought that my blog would have curled up in a corner and died naturally due to neglect. I had Intended for my blog to die as I decided to be all grown up and stop spewing my feelings out in the open. How arrogant is That and in an ironic twist, immature! ;)

So, at this moment at 1.00am, I am resurrecting it again. *chants, rolls eyes heavenward, dances around a fire and thumps chest*

The reasons for resurrection are simple: my self-reflective memory lectures, Amy Tan's 'The Bonesetter's Daughter' book, missing writing so badly that it aches, needing to keep in touch. Whatever the initial reasons were, perhaps just sheer vanity, I am really glad that I decided to read it again. :)

The old posts allowed me to understand where I came from, who I was and how did I become who I am Now. There was a sense of connection and familiarity with this girl who was previously me, yet there was a sense of curiosity and unfamiliarity about her, the old me.

"What makes/made me, Now?"

My previous decisions/experiences made me, Now but my memories makes me, Now. Without memories, what makes a man? What could you base your current decisions on? There is no good/bad feelings to fall back on to make current decisions. Even our 'gut feelings' are based on previous experiences. Do we become friends because of the past we share? Do we still love each other because we remembered how it was like in the beginning? Do we become who we are now because our previous actions landed us here and now? Without the ability to remember or to keep memories, there is no continuity with the past and no continuity into the future. Ironically, my blog description is about taking me as I am NOW, it's all about making the most of A Moment.

A moment, encapsulated is perhaps what I was searching for. :)

My hands

Small with stubby fingers that never grown into graceful long, tapered fingers no matter how much I wish them to be.

Fingers that are never long enough to play an octave.

Fingers that hated the piano since it learnt that the price of not playing well is a sharp rap on the knuckles.

Fingers that stumbled clumsily along the white keys and froze with panic during examinations.

Fingers that yearn to play beautiful music, music that could lift the soul and put a smile on the lips.

but they never could, despite the years of training, money, energy and tears spent. and so, those fingers hid away in shame. never to touch the white keys anymore. fingers that forgot what a staccato feels like. difference between a minor and major? to play a thrill?

going for BBC Proms. I can at least hear beautiful music, if I can't play it. :)

Tuesdays with Morrie

In spite of much hype about the book, I have only started reading the book yesterday. I had brushed the hype aside, thinking that it's another touchy-feely, wishy-washy, self-help book with all the cliched lessons that we have been taught by Pendidikan Moral, Mum and Chicken Soup for Every Soul Imaginable.

Hence, I picked the book up with derision and a touch of cynicism. Little did I know that the good old values were written in such a way that it could still touch me. I was so touched that my eyes began to tear and I had to "tahan" since I was in Borders after all. It would be a comically tragic Cambridge scene, if I started bawling my eyes out with my dishevelled hair(day in library), crumply clothes(too busy to iron), a book on Human Reproduction and a stack of notes in my arms. A student on nervous breakdown would be quickly assumed ;)

Yes, it is Still a cliched book. Filled with all the good, sensible thoughts that we know but occasionally/never do; always have time for family and friends, don't dwell in self-pity, trust people and earn trust in return, open your heart to love, be positive, etc. They are all old lessons but forgotten in parts. I guess, once a while, a cliched book should come your way to kick your ass to make you remember your lessons and do the right thing. Of course, an incident to drive home the point would be ideal.....

Always have time for family and friends, in my case, strangers in need.

Earlier on Thursday, I was in Sainsbury when all my coins fell out of my purse and ran in every direction at the Sainsbury entrance. ONE POUND rolled and rolled near to the deli counter. One rather old man with a cane was there and was chasing after the ONE POUND for me. After I had picked up all my coins except for the ONE POUND that went missing, he gestured to me that it's under the shelves of Easter Eggs by the entrance. I was not up for lying at the floor and trying to peer under the shelves to find that ONE POUND. My reasons being that it's undignified and my ass would be sticking out towards the entrance for everyone coming into Sainsbury to see. So I just bent down and gave a little peek. Not having spot the ONE POUND, I decided to give up and tried to thank the nice old man for his troubles on my behalf.

Then, another nice old lady with a cane stopped by and was asking me what had happened. "Oh dear, I shouldn't quit looking for the coin now," I thought to myself. So I gingerly lowered myself to the floor again and tried to angle my ass away from the entrance to spot the ONE POUND once more. The old lady offered me her cane to poke around! Then, the old man himself lowered himself to the ground and try to spot the ONE POUND for me. Their kindness is unbelievable! I couldn't believe that two people with walking disabilities were willing to through so much trouble just for this girl and her missing ONE POUND.

That incident touched me and Tuesdays with Morrie reminded me of their kindness for a stranger. They had time to help me even when they could just ignore my predicament and continued with their shopping. I, myself would have given up if not for them- it's too much of a bother for just ONE POUND. Hmm...the world is not such an ugly place after all. People still care for you. You are not just another faceless, nameless person in the crowd. There is always spare time to help look for someone's else ONE POUND, no matter how little they think it's worth because you could make someone's day!

So, what happened to the ONE POUND?

The ONE POUND was NOT under the shelves. It was standing quietly in open view on the floor behind the shelves. We finally found it after much hassle and perhaps in time for a lesson learnt.

:)

Heartwarmers

smell of the air after rain, sunsets, beach, sun on skin, broad grins and hearty laughter, cute animals, a child's wide-eyed wonder, smell of cake baking in the oven, "Butterfly Kisses" on iTunes, seating at the backseat of my daddy's car cruising along the beach at night, seeing the brightly lit outline of Penang becoming bigger and bigger as the plane/coach approaches Penang...

Go back home this summer for 3 months?

=)

(No subject)

Strung like a puppet,
Every action is deliberate
With thought,
Is this correct?
Will this be accepted?
Play it safe,
Play it by the puppeteer’s direction,
A tug here,
Wineglass is held up to the lips,
Another tug there,
A bright smile and a timely enthusiastic nod,
Yet another hard tug,
A witty comment with chuckles,
Jerking the puppet hurriedly,
Act I followed by Act II, III,
A compliment here, a diplomatic answer there,
Final act, one last winning smile,
The curtain closes,
One last jerk as yet,
She smiles and curtsies,
To applause and critics likewise.

A thought.

It has been one and a half years. When I attended my Halfway Hall earlier, the significance of it didn't strike me immediately. I was completely blase about the whole thing since I am a medic and frankly I am only a quarter through my course.

Yesterday the gravity of all of it sunk in, most of my close friends are not medics and would be graduating in one and half year's time. The realistic and cynical me knows that I probably won't see any of them anymore for the rest of my life. That is a very sobering thought because they have played such a BIG part of my life here and also back home as well.

They are my travel buddies. They are "my getting drunk" buddies. They are my homesick buddies. They are my flu/sick buddies. They are my Starbucks buddies. They are my clubbing buddies. They are my chilling out buddies. They are my "life conversations" buddies. They are my "confused moments" buddies. They are my "burst of spontaneity" buddies. They are my "sleepover" buddies. They are my "It doesn't matter, really!" buddies. They form a part of MY version of the Cambridge Prospectus. Try picturing Cambridge students punting and Hey! suddenly there's Me and ......................................................You.*GRINS*

Uni life would be so vastly different without all these mish-mash of interesting people that I have around me.

Thus, I must make time to have a cuppa or two with each and everyone of them. *wink*

Now, to make time..anyone knows how?

Eating my cake?

It's not the midterm blues yet but somehow, just had too much of "term". I am beginning to fall asleep during lectures and not being "engaged" by lectures anymore. There's a feeling of tiredness that hangs all week, even through the weekend. Weekend seems to fly past too fast. There's no time for a chill-out night nor is there time for a Sunday lie-in.

There's too much to do, really.

During the week, there's work to finish. Supervision, lectures, labs to attend. Then there's Cumas stuff. I have no idea why but I have just got myself involved in Sidney Mayball design committee. So there, no escaping from weekly meetings till June =( Then, there's sports during the weekend. I have just started playing footie recently and absolutely lurved it! am hoping to make it a weekly event besides netball which I have been faithfully going for week after week. That takes up a chunk of my weekend. plus there's the social events that I thought would end finally after "this weekend..." or so....but never did. week after week, I've got social events on Saturday and Sunday nights. Balls, dinners, formals etc.

"Oooh...yeah it all sounds pretty exciting!"

but somehow when you are skipping lectures to finish work, not seeing enough of your good friends, feeling exhausted all the time, not wanting to see or talk to anyone, you have a bag of overdue laundry, your room stinks and is in a mess...

I guess I am choking on my cake, aren't I?

*shakes head ruefully*

When words do not suffice...

Note from supervision about essay on T cells and B cells *immunobiology*

Please read some English Literature to improve your writing style. Do make sentences with stonger impact.

Please excuse me now as I have to go read up on Shakespeare.

xoxo

These are the thoughts - Alanis Morissette

These are the thoughts that go through my head
In my backyard on a sunday afternoon
When i have the house to myself and i am not
Expending all that energy on fighting with my boyfriend

Is he the one that i will marry?
Why is it so hard to be objective about myself?
Why do i feel cellularly alone?
Am i supposed to live in this crazy city?
Can blindly continued fear-induced regurgitated
Life- denying tradition be overcome?

Where does the money go that i send to those in need?
If we have so much why do some people have nothing still?
Why do i feel frantic when i first wake up in the morning?
Why do you say you are spiritual
Yet you treat people like shit?

How can you say you're close to god
yet you talk behind my back as though i am not
A part of you?
Why do i say i'm fine
When it's obvious i'm not?
Why's it so hard to tell you what i want?
Why can't you just read my mind?

Why do i fear that the quieter i am the less you will listen?
Why do i care whether you like me or not?
Why is it so hard for me to be angry?
Why is it such work to stay conscious and so easy to get stuck
And not the other way around?

Will i ever move back to canada?
Can i be with a lover with whom i am a student and a master?
Why am i encouraged to shut my mouth
When it gets too close to home?
Why cannot i live in the moment?

Guilty.

It weighs down heavily on you. guilt.

The feeling of "I shouldn't have..."/"I should have...". It picks on you at every moment. whispering in your ears. in your head. sometimes, it's possible to drown it out. push it to the back of your mind. with fun, fun and more fun. inevitably fun has to stop at some point. the guilt comes crashing back.

fighting a losing battle. I admit defeat. guilty.

guilty of...

not smiling more. whining. not laughing more. taking things for granted. being complacent. not listening. not noticing. not speaking when it matters. not calling. taking things for granted. not asking. not taking the initiative. just following the flow. taking things for granted. making assumptions. pretending. not keeping promises. not being assertive when it counts. thinking that i'd always be lucky; get my way. being caustic. being apathetic. taking things too lightly.

guilty of taking things for granted.

life. family. friends. work. love. kind gestures. coincidences. time. knowledge.

all the bits and pieces. big and small. i've stopped being amazed. i've stopped being in awe. i've stopped being cheered by lil things.

sigh...

I have stopped being Happy Ping. and that Most of all saddens me.