Pineapple Ping Pong

Hello Blog..

2008-03-21T21:11:00.003Z

How have you been doing? Sorry that I have been away for such a long time. It's been almost a year.

A whirlwind year. Year of 2007-2008.

The year that I ran after Time, gasping and out-of-breath but still kept on running. At times, it felt good to run after Time; the adrenaline pumping through my veins and I can hear my heart beating in my ears. I felt Truly Alive.. But on other times, I was so exhausted that putting my arms into my sleeves was a chore. But, I did keep on running after it...

Let's start from May 2007. Many things happened like The Last Tripos, Ibiza, Graduation, Parents in UK, Summer Research, HongKong, Malaysia, Stage 1 Clinical School, Staying in the Middle of Nowhere, Peterborough, Venice, back to Addenbrookes and now, the End of Stage 1.

Now is the time for me to rest. To rest my legs for a while, to stop chasing after Time.

love, ping x

On a Bright, Sunday afternoon

2007-05-22T23:46:00.001+01:00

Feel Free.. (to wear SunScreen)

I've seen this before but seeing it again just makes me loads happier! Thought that I'll put it here so that I don't forget it again. :)

Doll Face

2007-05-11T21:09:00.001+01:00

I did it again

2007-04-23T21:49:00.000+01:00

Last easter break, in the midst of the craziness of cramming for exams and fear-stricken, I went to Borders and got touched by a book. Tears fell and I came away from it a bit more reassured that if I failed my Tripos, I can still aim to be a good person.

The book was 'Tuesdays with Morrie' by Mitch Albom and I blogged about it then.

Today's book was 'The 5 People You Meet in Heaven' by Mitch Albom. Yes, Again. Though, the reason that drove me to Borders this year was different. It was because my bedder needed to clean my room and Sidney library was full of hard-working, fear-stricken students. I simply could not find a seat *deja vu* I had no where to go for half and hour and decided to just drop by Borders. Perhaps, it is serendipity. Picked up Mitch Albom again and the recurring theme is 'How to lead a meaningful life?' And like the girl that never learnt her lesson, there I was with my pile books and silently trying to hold back my tears. Again.

Once is good as a well-learnt lesson and you feel special like you were touched by an angel. But, twice is Just...........painfully embarrasing. *winces*

Thank God, this is my last Tripos. Never again, I'll be driven to cry in a bookstore. *notes to self*

********************************************************************************

On a totally separate note, it is a well-known fact that a hormone released during labour has amnesic effects on the mother. Therefore, she forgot the awful, body-splitting pain that she felt during the labour after sometime and thought confidently to herself, "Hey, that wasn't too bad. Let's have another go!" Then, she gets pregnant again and then the pain comes Again. And, memory is Always without fail, kinder than reality.

When I heard it, it sounds like Tripos to me. As in, Tripos is the Labour. Every year, Tripos pain hits! Around April, you wake up feeling fearful every morning and guzzles caffeine/lucozade/caffeine tablets and workworkworkworkworkwork. Sleeping is not an option and you feel heavier each day with the growing fear/guilt except that your head feels lighter from all the hair that you are shedding. You pray really hard and hope that God punishes you for your laziness in other ways than your Tripos. Perhaps, the hair can be sacrificed.

Then Tripos came and went. Hey, it's Mayweek, you come out in your sunnies and strappy tops, feeling the sun on your skin. Awesome! Mind-blowing fun! You go to Mayballs, garden parties, drink, party and be merry! Slowly, the funfunfunfunfunfun wiped out any memory of the pain that you suffered for Tripos.

Then, you start your academic year thinking, " Hey, bring Tripos on. I can do it and it wasn't that bad the last time'. And you doss around the whole of Michaelmas and Lent. Except that now is Labour/Tripos Time again.

"Uh oh, why was I so silly. Again? ", the little fear-stricken voice in your heart whispers.

In search of love

2007-04-17T15:55:00.000+01:00

In light of the cruel massacre that hit the news today, I found an uplifting yet heartwrenching tale of unconditional giving and selfless love. Hope that this tale will soothe the angry and despairing heart over the ugliness of the human nature.

**Sacramento Bee**

It's a story about a mother caring for her young, cancer-stricken son through his pain-filled days till death. There are so many wonderful shots; the mother's tireless fight to make her son's few moments left on earth filled with simple joys such as racing down the hospital hallway and driving the car at 10 years old. The fight to live LIFE to the fullest in the simplest way is inspiring!

http://www.pulitzer.org/year/2007/feature-photography/works/index.html

Let the tears fall.

In search of motivation...

2007-04-11T22:53:00.000+01:00

"Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education alone will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan "press on" has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race." - John Calvin Coolidge

Do you believe in immortality? "No. And one life is enough for me."

2007-04-10T22:16:00.000+01:00

The question was asked of Albert Einstein and that was his answer. I lifted it from an article provocatively titled 'Einstein and Faith'. It's a good reason to procrastinate. :)

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1607298-1,00.html

There are so many nuggets of wisdom in that article but this particular question and answer has the most impact on me because it is Exactly what I believe and try to live by.

One life is enough for me. It has to be and it Will be.

*meant to be philosophical and not morbid*

;)

Since I am on the roll, might as well.

2007-03-31T03:22:00.000+01:00

Taken in Fez, Morocco. I absolutely adore this picture! It captures perfectly the feeling that one has when one looks up at the Oh, so Blue! skies and sees the flock of birds flying overhead. This is what I call a moment, encapsulated. :)

For posterity's sake

2007-03-31T01:44:00.000+01:00

As I can no longer relate to the younger me who wrote and designed this blog, I decided that it needed a revamp in image/content/motto.

However, as with everything that I needed to throw away, there is always a sense of nostalgia and unwillingness to part. Therefore, I decided to immortalise my previous description of my blog in this post as I think that IT truly defined what I felt then and what I still feel a little now.

*****************************************
I am Not who I think I am.
I am Not who You think I am.
I am Not who I once was.
I am Not who I will be.
Take me as I am Now for I will change again.
Not good. Not bad. Just am.
*****************************************

Ten Years Time

2007-03-30T22:46:00.000+01:00

Do you have a vision?
Do you have a goal?
I'm watching you shrugging your shoulders, telling me you just don't know.
Do you get emotional?
Is there something you're passionate about?
I can tell that you're still searching, still trying to work it all out.
It takes time.
Take your time.
Mm mmm.
You will know when it feels right.

Where you gonna be in ten years' time?
And will you be happy with the way you've been living your life?
Will you be all right?
'Cause when you're looking back to now on the years gone by,
Will there be something that you say that you should have done right in your life?

What would you fight for?
For what do you stand?
And how would you go about it?
And do you have a master plan?
What are your demons?
And how much for your soul?
Or have you found religion and gone down that road?
I guess we all need something to believe.
Oh ooh oh.
Times haven't changed.
That's how it's got to be.

Where you gonna be in ten years' time?
And will you be happy with the way you've been living your life?
Will you be all right?
Yeah, yeah.
'Cause when you're looking back to now on the years gone by,
Will there be something that you say that you should have done right?
We're talking about your life.

Are you a dreamer?
Tell me all your dreams.
Can you say honestly what you want to be?
What would you do when your back's against the wall?
Would you stand on your two feet?
Would you admit defeat?
These are the times we need to be strong.
Don't you know? Don't you know that it's hard?
But we learn.
We find a way.
We got to find away to carry on.

Where you gonna be in ten years' time? (ten years time)
Will you be all right?
Tell me will you get it right?
Get it right?
Yeah.
Where you gonna to be in ten years' time? (ten years' time)
Will you be happy with the way that you're living your life?
Do you feel it'll be all right?
Be all right?
Where you gonna be in ten years' time? (ten years' time)
Will you be all right?
Tell me will you get it right?
Get it right?
Yeah.
Where you gonna be in ten years' time?

*sung by Gabrielle, a lot longer in the original version*
thought that it's appropriate since graduation is impending =)

************************************************
Random-ers.

not just another face.
wanting it to matter, to be tangible and permanent.
landed and grounded.
looking up and hesitating.
beautiful expressions, expressing beauty.
because it hurts.
*************************************************

What makes me, Now?

2007-03-12T00:00:00.000Z

was pleasantly surprised when I found out that my neglected blog is still garnering new readers. I thought that my blog would have curled up in a corner and died naturally due to neglect. I had Intended for my blog to die as I decided to be all grown up and stop spewing my feelings out in the open. How arrogant is That and in an ironic twist, immature! ;)

So, at this moment at 1.00am, I am resurrecting it again. *chants, rolls eyes heavenward, dances around a fire and thumps chest*

The reasons for resurrection are simple: my self-reflective memory lectures, Amy Tan's 'The Bonesetter's Daughter' book, missing writing so badly that it aches, needing to keep in touch. Whatever the initial reasons were, perhaps just sheer vanity, I am really glad that I decided to read it again. :)

The old posts allowed me to understand where I came from, who I was and how did I become who I am Now. There was a sense of connection and familiarity with this girl who was previously me, yet there was a sense of curiosity and unfamiliarity about her, the old me.

"What makes/made me, Now?"

My previous decisions/experiences made me, Now but my memories makes me, Now. Without memories, what makes a man? What could you base your current decisions on? There is no good/bad feelings to fall back on to make current decisions. Even our 'gut feelings' are based on previous experiences. Do we become friends because of the past we share? Do we still love each other because we remembered how it was like in the beginning? Do we become who we are now because our previous actions landed us here and now? Without the ability to remember or to keep memories, there is no continuity with the past and no continuity into the future. Ironically, my blog description is about taking me as I am NOW, it's all about making the most of A Moment.

A moment, encapsulated is perhaps what I was searching for. :)

My hands

2006-07-23T22:52:00.000+01:00

Small with stubby fingers that never grown into graceful long, tapered fingers no matter how much I wish them to be.

Fingers that are never long enough to play an octave.

Fingers that hated the piano since it learnt that the price of not playing well is a sharp rap on the knuckles.

Fingers that stumbled clumsily along the white keys and froze with panic during examinations.

Fingers that yearn to play beautiful music, music that could lift the soul and put a smile on the lips.

but they never could, despite the years of training, money, energy and tears spent. and so, those fingers hid away in shame. never to touch the white keys anymore. fingers that forgot what a staccato feels like. difference between a minor and major? to play a thrill?

going for BBC Proms. I can at least hear beautiful music, if I can't play it. :)

Tuesdays with Morrie

2006-04-07T20:43:00.000+01:00

In spite of much hype about the book, I have only started reading the book yesterday. I had brushed the hype aside, thinking that it's another touchy-feely, wishy-washy, self-help book with all the cliched lessons that we have been taught by Pendidikan Moral, Mum and Chicken Soup for Every Soul Imaginable.

Hence, I picked the book up with derision and a touch of cynicism. Little did I know that the good old values were written in such a way that it could still touch me. I was so touched that my eyes began to tear and I had to "tahan" since I was in Borders after all. It would be a comically tragic Cambridge scene, if I started bawling my eyes out with my dishevelled hair(day in library), crumply clothes(too busy to iron), a book on Human Reproduction and a stack of notes in my arms. A student on nervous breakdown would be quickly assumed ;)

Yes, it is Still a cliched book. Filled with all the good, sensible thoughts that we know but occasionally/never do; always have time for family and friends, don't dwell in self-pity, trust people and earn trust in return, open your heart to love, be positive, etc. They are all old lessons but forgotten in parts. I guess, once a while, a cliched book should come your way to kick your ass to make you remember your lessons and do the right thing. Of course, an incident to drive home the point would be ideal.....

Always have time for family and friends, in my case, strangers in need.

Earlier on Thursday, I was in Sainsbury when all my coins fell out of my purse and ran in every direction at the Sainsbury entrance. ONE POUND rolled and rolled near to the deli counter. One rather old man with a cane was there and was chasing after the ONE POUND for me. After I had picked up all my coins except for the ONE POUND that went missing, he gestured to me that it's under the shelves of Easter Eggs by the entrance. I was not up for lying at the floor and trying to peer under the shelves to find that ONE POUND. My reasons being that it's undignified and my ass would be sticking out towards the entrance for everyone coming into Sainsbury to see. So I just bent down and gave a little peek. Not having spot the ONE POUND, I decided to give up and tried to thank the nice old man for his troubles on my behalf.

Then, another nice old lady with a cane stopped by and was asking me what had happened. "Oh dear, I shouldn't quit looking for the coin now," I thought to myself. So I gingerly lowered myself to the floor again and tried to angle my ass away from the entrance to spot the ONE POUND once more. The old lady offered me her cane to poke around! Then, the old man himself lowered himself to the ground and try to spot the ONE POUND for me. Their kindness is unbelievable! I couldn't believe that two people with walking disabilities were willing to through so much trouble just for this girl and her missing ONE POUND.

That incident touched me and Tuesdays with Morrie reminded me of their kindness for a stranger. They had time to help me even when they could just ignore my predicament and continued with their shopping. I, myself would have given up if not for them- it's too much of a bother for just ONE POUND. Hmm...the world is not such an ugly place after all. People still care for you. You are not just another faceless, nameless person in the crowd. There is always spare time to help look for someone's else ONE POUND, no matter how little they think it's worth because you could make someone's day!

So, what happened to the ONE POUND?

The ONE POUND was NOT under the shelves. It was standing quietly in open view on the floor behind the shelves. We finally found it after much hassle and perhaps in time for a lesson learnt.

:)

Heartwarmers

2006-03-29T00:46:00.000+01:00

smell of the air after rain, sunsets, beach, sun on skin, broad grins and hearty laughter, cute animals, a child's wide-eyed wonder, smell of cake baking in the oven, "Butterfly Kisses" on iTunes, seating at the backseat of my daddy's car cruising along the beach at night, seeing the brightly lit outline of Penang becoming bigger and bigger as the plane/coach approaches Penang...

Go back home this summer for 3 months?

=)

(No subject)

2006-03-17T03:11:00.000Z

Strung like a puppet,
Every action is deliberate
With thought,
Is this correct?
Will this be accepted?
Play it safe,
Play it by the puppeteer’s direction,
A tug here,
Wineglass is held up to the lips,
Another tug there,
A bright smile and a timely enthusiastic nod,
Yet another hard tug,
A witty comment with chuckles,
Jerking the puppet hurriedly,
Act I followed by Act II, III,
A compliment here, a diplomatic answer there,
Final act, one last winning smile,
The curtain closes,
One last jerk as yet,
She smiles and curtsies,
To applause and critics likewise.

A thought.

2006-02-25T00:33:00.000Z

It has been one and a half years. When I attended my Halfway Hall earlier, the significance of it didn't strike me immediately. I was completely blase about the whole thing since I am a medic and frankly I am only a quarter through my course.

Yesterday the gravity of all of it sunk in, most of my close friends are not medics and would be graduating in one and half year's time. The realistic and cynical me knows that I probably won't see any of them anymore for the rest of my life. That is a very sobering thought because they have played such a BIG part of my life here and also back home as well.

They are my travel buddies. They are "my getting drunk" buddies. They are my homesick buddies. They are my flu/sick buddies. They are my Starbucks buddies. They are my clubbing buddies. They are my chilling out buddies. They are my "life conversations" buddies. They are my "confused moments" buddies. They are my "burst of spontaneity" buddies. They are my "sleepover" buddies. They are my "It doesn't matter, really!" buddies. They form a part of MY version of the Cambridge Prospectus. Try picturing Cambridge students punting and Hey! suddenly there's Me and ......................................................You.*GRINS*

Uni life would be so vastly different without all these mish-mash of interesting people that I have around me.

Thus, I must make time to have a cuppa or two with each and everyone of them. *wink*

Now, to make time..anyone knows how?

Eating my cake?

2006-02-07T23:03:00.000Z

It's not the midterm blues yet but somehow, just had too much of "term". I am beginning to fall asleep during lectures and not being "engaged" by lectures anymore. There's a feeling of tiredness that hangs all week, even through the weekend. Weekend seems to fly past too fast. There's no time for a chill-out night nor is there time for a Sunday lie-in.

There's too much to do, really.

During the week, there's work to finish. Supervision, lectures, labs to attend. Then there's Cumas stuff. I have no idea why but I have just got myself involved in Sidney Mayball design committee. So there, no escaping from weekly meetings till June =( Then, there's sports during the weekend. I have just started playing footie recently and absolutely lurved it! am hoping to make it a weekly event besides netball which I have been faithfully going for week after week. That takes up a chunk of my weekend. plus there's the social events that I thought would end finally after "this weekend..." or so....but never did. week after week, I've got social events on Saturday and Sunday nights. Balls, dinners, formals etc.

"Oooh...yeah it all sounds pretty exciting!"

but somehow when you are skipping lectures to finish work, not seeing enough of your good friends, feeling exhausted all the time, not wanting to see or talk to anyone, you have a bag of overdue laundry, your room stinks and is in a mess...

I guess I am choking on my cake, aren't I?

*shakes head ruefully*

When words do not suffice...

2006-01-30T21:43:00.000Z

Note from supervision about essay on T cells and B cells *immunobiology*

Please read some English Literature to improve your writing style. Do make sentences with stonger impact.

Please excuse me now as I have to go read up on Shakespeare.

xoxo

These are the thoughts - Alanis Morissette

2006-01-22T00:41:00.000Z

These are the thoughts that go through my head
In my backyard on a sunday afternoon
When i have the house to myself and i am not
Expending all that energy on fighting with my boyfriend

Is he the one that i will marry?
Why is it so hard to be objective about myself?
Why do i feel cellularly alone?
Am i supposed to live in this crazy city?
Can blindly continued fear-induced regurgitated
Life- denying tradition be overcome?

Where does the money go that i send to those in need?
If we have so much why do some people have nothing still?
Why do i feel frantic when i first wake up in the morning?
Why do you say you are spiritual
Yet you treat people like shit?

How can you say you're close to god
yet you talk behind my back as though i am not
A part of you?
Why do i say i'm fine
When it's obvious i'm not?
Why's it so hard to tell you what i want?
Why can't you just read my mind?

Why do i fear that the quieter i am the less you will listen?
Why do i care whether you like me or not?
Why is it so hard for me to be angry?
Why is it such work to stay conscious and so easy to get stuck
And not the other way around?

Will i ever move back to canada?
Can i be with a lover with whom i am a student and a master?
Why am i encouraged to shut my mouth
When it gets too close to home?
Why cannot i live in the moment?

Guilty.

2006-01-12T17:19:00.000Z

It weighs down heavily on you. guilt.

The feeling of "I shouldn't have..."/"I should have...". It picks on you at every moment. whispering in your ears. in your head. sometimes, it's possible to drown it out. push it to the back of your mind. with fun, fun and more fun. inevitably fun has to stop at some point. the guilt comes crashing back.

fighting a losing battle. I admit defeat. guilty.

guilty of...

not smiling more. whining. not laughing more. taking things for granted. being complacent. not listening. not noticing. not speaking when it matters. not calling. taking things for granted. not asking. not taking the initiative. just following the flow. taking things for granted. making assumptions. pretending. not keeping promises. not being assertive when it counts. thinking that i'd always be lucky; get my way. being caustic. being apathetic. taking things too lightly.

guilty of taking things for granted.

life. family. friends. work. love. kind gestures. coincidences. time. knowledge.

all the bits and pieces. big and small. i've stopped being amazed. i've stopped being in awe. i've stopped being cheered by lil things.

sigh...

I have stopped being Happy Ping. and that Most of all saddens me.

In a Happy Place with a Happy Face

2005-11-23T22:11:00.000Z

Tahi-tahi ayam..

2005-11-01T01:08:00.000Z

and So I got diverted from my "tahi tahi ayam" enthusiam to read up on Neuroanatomy tonight...

by blog-hopping...arrgghh!!!! *pulls out hair*

It's so addictive. A friend tells you about one blog. Then the curious you went to check it out. Low and behold, it's actually very interesting and you spend ages reading it. and of course, the interesting blogger has some friends that were mentioned in the posts. Since, the blogger is interesting, the friends must be interesting as well, rite?? interest piqued...

You check out the links section. uh Oh...got links to the Interesting friends.

*die die die* like a moth to fire, you want to stay away but you just can't. Everytime the site loads, you get a happy feeling inside you, like a kid looking on as the nice lady scoops out ice-cream for her. The more you read, the more piqued you get. Positive feedback is bad for you, you know. *SIGH* In the very very end, you stop struggling and say "heck care!"..and before long, it's now 1.13am and I have yet to read past two pages of Neuromanatomy.

Gawd!! urrggh, wake up girl!! How can you be so weak??

A little voice says," but I am only human."

and I wonder why I get offended when people say that I am the slackest medic.
*wry smile*

It's very dangerous because it's easier to accept a Tag than to prove that it's wrong.

You get comfortable in your comfort zone. cookies, drinks, cheese, remote control all within arm's length. Why move?

"Oi, you lazy dumbass!! move lar.."

Little voice in head, "awww..but i am not a lazy dumbass wor." *hurt*

Makes effort to move...aiya so difficult. after moving, no more food near me and no longer comfortable. how????

Little voice in head, " never mind, just accept the Tag. It's fine. Doesn't matter..They don't really know you, really. really."

And thus, you open another packet of crisps and switch the channel to Sky Sports.

*burp* *scratch scratch* *contented*

All thoughts earlier about changing and being better and avoiding the Tag was buried at the back of the brain. behind ...behind where no one can see it including the Head's owner itself.

So much easier to cheat oneself and to lower one's standards. and the vicious cycle repeats itself again and again in every aspect of one's life. Till, you just become a smelly lump of green Moss.

Okay. End of story. Moral of story: To NOT be a MOSS.

So, to not be a Moss, I must go study neuro now. :)

1.29am. sigh.

2005-10-30T22:54:00.000Z

Happy, fuzzy, warm picture. *grin*

Happy sun-shiny day!

2005-10-27T16:44:00.000+01:00

Huge sigh of relief..

My worst week ever has ended finally. I woke up this morning feeling happy, floaty, bubbly and light *GRIN*

I could blame the past horrible week on PMS. I hated myself for the whole of last week. Ugly. Useless. Stupid. A Mess. Confused. Needy. Guilty. *SIGH*

As they say, there's no smoke without fire. I never ever had PMS before. My whole life was just happy or just comfortable throughout. Thank you, you evil evil hormones for making me face my problems and my mess sooner, rather than later.

That said, I've decided and taken action on some things that have been hanging over my head for the past month. My mess was making me yo-yo from feeling really happy to being really confused.

There's now closure and moving on.

*GRIN*

Conversations

2005-10-26T00:55:00.000+01:00

turns your head inside out, funny.

Of favourite things and Croatia...

2005-10-20T09:40:00.000+01:00

I realized that I have not post anything happy in my blog for quite some time. It's not that I am unhappy. I am happy! Wonderfully so! It's just that when you are happy, you feel floaty, laugh too much and just a wee bit lazy to type anything.

Besides, how do you describe happiness?
I'd always imagine happiness to be just like champagne *wink* bubbly, teasing and makes you laugh a lot if you have just a bit too much....well, you can't have champagne All the time to make yourself happy, can you? or Can you? hahaha..

Fortunately, there are some things which makes me happy whenever I look at them. :)like my new potted plant! my giraffe hairband and my wonderful wonderful wonderful room that makes you never ever want to get out from your room!

and of course my trip to Croatia. lovely! *HUGE GRIN*

My roommate :)

My roommate from lack of care :(

Doesn't it just blend in???

Haha, cute too!

*smiles*

My Roooooom!!! the loveliest, most wonderful room in the whole wide world

By the quay in Croatia

Bari, Italy

ooh, I wonder who??!?

Haha, my plant didn't die from that. After I watered it, it sprang up the next day, bright as ever. I am sure that My plant can't be as spineless as That!!! *wink*

and the 3 shadows in the last picture are Kai Er, Yian Nee and Me in that order. We were holding out handbags in oustretched hands hahaha and posing..

Into uncharted territory...

2005-10-15T11:00:00.000+01:00

You make a decision which seems best at one time. Then now that it has already been made and so many things have happened Because of the decision. some good.some bad.

You started to wonder if you have made the right one. If you haven't made the decision, your world will stay exactly where it was. You would know where everything is. You would understand. You would not be experiencing new sensations all the time and wondering if they are good or bad. You would know what to expect if you did this or if you did that. uncertainties..

no one to confide in. no one to reassure you that you have indeed done the right thing and you needn't worry. In this, you can only trust yourself.

but at every bad moment, you feel like giving up. This is not worth it. Is it?

It's funny how..

2005-10-12T17:52:00.000+01:00

you can become close to a particular person.

you find yourself spending most of your time with that person. talking, sharing each other's secrets, hopes, fears, insecurities. joining the latest sport craze. going shopping, scouring for good bargains and stopping in a cafe for a cuppa. travelling, doing all sorts of crazy things, having pure good mindless fun. making jokes, slangs which only the "inside" person would understand. a wink here, an arched eyebrow there, a look that would convey more than words ever would.

there is understanding. a sense of comfort, belonging.

Was....

Suddenly...you stopped talking. you stopped hanging out. you stopped rushing back to that very person with news about your life. you stopped asking the person out and vice versa. Now, when you do meet the person, the conversation would be polite, formal. Empty.

We have become two very different person. You have moved on without keeping me updated and so did I. You didn't say and I didn't feel like prying. and so it just went on like this... for months, years..

at odd moments, the memory of us having fun would magically pop into my mind. *smiles*

the cynical me wonders how many of the friends that I have now will continue being more than casual aquaintances 20 years down the road. *arched eyebrow*

Mad Season

2005-09-23T16:13:00.000+01:00

I feel stupid - but I know it won't last for long
I've been guessing - and I coulda been guessin' wrong
You don't know me now
I kinda thought that you should somehow
Does that whole mad season got ya down?

I feel stupid, but it's something that comes and goes
I've been changin' - I think it's funny how now one knows
We don't talk about the little things that we do without
When that whole mad season comes around

So why you gotta stand there
Looking like the answer now?
It seems to me you'd come around
I need you now
Do you think you can cope?
You figured me out - that I'm lost and I'm hopeless
I'm bleeding and broken, though I've never spoken
I come undone in this mad season

I feel stupid, but I think I been catchin' on
I feel ugly, but I know I still turn you on
You've grown colder now, torn apart, angry, turned around
Will that whole mad season knock you down?

So are you gonna stand there
Are you gonna help me out?
We need to be together now
I need you now
Do you think you can cope?
You figured me out - that I'm lost and I'm hopeless
I'm bleeding and broken, though I've never spoken
I come undone in this mad season

And now I'm cryin'
Isn't that what you want?
I'm tryin' to live my life on my own
But I won't, no,
At times I do believe I am strong
So someone tell me why, why, why
Do I, I, I feel stupid
And I come undone
And I come undone

I need you now
Do you think you can cope?
You figured me out - that I'm lost and I'm hopeless
I'm bleeding and broken though I've never spoken

I need you now
Do you think you can cope?
You figured me out - I'm a child and I'm hopeless
I'm bleeding and broken though I've never spoken
I come undone in this mad season

In this mad season
There's been a mad season
Been a mad season

-Matchbox Twenty-

Back in Cambridge now. back to cobblestones. back to small streets where I can walk everywhere. back to quaint small shops. back to sandwiches, panini, ciabbata, scones & tea. best of all, back to my own little room. *smiles*

Summer was glorious. Things were done, old friends were met, new friends were made, places were explored. experiences are varied and feelings yo-yoed from one end to the other end. Summer felt like a dream and now I have snapped back to reality.

*SMILES*

All things S'porean.

2005-09-01T04:19:00.000+01:00

Spent 5 days there and it was AN ABSOLUTE BLAST!!

Food-wise: was glorious! bet you s'poreans didn't get that compliment much, esp fr a penangite at that ;) Haha, they have the weirdest stuff e.g. colourful bread ice-cream, unagi chee cheong fun, durian glutinous rice ball, durian pancakes and durian everything. Not forgetting Katong Laksa *yum* Fusion, fusion all the way and imagination and creativity And package apparently goes a loooong way. Went to NYDC and loved it!! Their desserts e.g. mudpies, funny cakes- B3, Goldmine Cheesecake etc.

To quote Suiseng, I am a glutton. *blush*

Shopping-wise: Ah well, being the glutton that I was I didn't have enough money left over for much shopping. Just bought 3 items..one of them my Superstar!! hahahaha that's my Best buy ever *grin* went to Queensway and browsed through SO many shops and finally found my Superstar! Though now, I am still dreaming about that particular pair of shoes and dress which I didn't buy. ;)

The BEST thing of all is WOMAD!
We just shook our rumps' all night..hahaha the loud, shake-your-boogie music, the live bands and the hot lead singer

Random quotes:

Tip on how to be a girl fr Suiseng: Girls cannot eat faster than their male counterparts and also never to proclaim that they are hungry. It doesn't reflect nicely on them. Trick is to eat until you are quite full before you go on Dates. *rolls eyes*

He is a total MCP! *male chauvinist pig*

that shoes is So AA. *attracting attention*

That person has an AP. *attitude problem*

PH anyone? *public holiday*

hahahaha, So many short-forms for so many common words. People say it, the words are written on notice boards.. everything is shortened! I wonder if it has anything to do with the lack of space in SG. ;)

There are so many stereotypes in Singapore just like every other place except that theirs also extend to the schools. Different schools produce students with a certain look or certain demeanour. I never could understand this whislt I was in Cambridge and everyone is trying to guess everyone else's alma mater. hahaha but being in Singapore and seeing the students in their respective uniforms and such and tons of explaining by Shanci and Alvin, i think i might have an idea. heh.. But the idea that a school will churn out students of a certain, recognizable demenour is quite disturbing to me haha..coming from M'sia.

It was an awesome time, truly ;)

Thanks Shanci esp for bringing me arnd everywhere and of course the bed-sharing ;)mwahs!

Thank you Alvin, Stephanie, Kah Yong, Herman, Heather, Chris!!!

Singapore in Pics

2005-08-31T11:57:00.000+01:00

Fullerton SG after Chalet

The Durian

Outside Paragon with "stoner early morn" face

At Empire Cafe, Raffles Hotel courtesy of *ahem* Suiseng

WOMAD!!!! hunky lead singer *drools*

Shanci, Me, Heather, Herman

Got myself a gorgeous Superstar

Durian

Kick-ass ;)

Oooh, at Marche!! *thanks KY*

Scrumptious NYDC cakes *yummy*

SIGH

2005-08-25T15:00:00.000+01:00

Neglecting the little things that actually matter to me. Things which are real and certain in life, I've taken for granted for far too long.

I was caught up in the rush, the exhilaration, the excitement. and lost sight of things which are important to me.

It's time that I get back to earth.

sigh and that is always the hardest part. Like a moth to a fire, you still want to go near even though the flame hurts. caused it's just so enticing and it's so easy to forget that it hurt you before and it will again.

sigh.

Little things that count..

2005-08-21T18:06:00.000+01:00

Do you think that I am fat?

2005-08-17T17:51:00.000+01:00

In UK, people there think that I am small. First time ever, the word is applied to me. *huge eyes*

That I am so small that my Brit friend was tempted to ask me whether I will get lost in Heathrow since Heathrow is so Big...*rolls eyes*

But yeah, back to Big issue.

Do you think I am fat? Do you? Fellow Malaysians?? hmm???

I think in Msia, I am considered big. Everyone is so so so super skinny and so so so small. Most girls are slim and willowy. and the doctor says that I am quite muscular cause I have big arms. Sigh, I feel like a pig standing next to them with my humongous arms and humongous buttocks and adding salt to injury, Huge THIGHS!!!!!

Well, I do admit that I don't look good in jeans and I always look better in skirts. No leggy me, only Roundy Me. Why? I should be born ages ago when Roundness is welcomed instead of Kate Moss leggy, slim now.

And yes, I do have weight issues. To those who doesn't know. I lost about a third of my weight since my high school years. It's not through conscious effort. I didn't diet painfully nor did I exercise madly. Everytime, there's a change of environment I just lose weight. Lost some when I went down KL. Lost even more when I got to Cambridge. and finally, In Cambridge I am happy with my body size.

Now, back in Penang, that's a different story altogether. Should I lose even more weight? Be even smaller?

Nah, I think I am too lazy. ;)

Ubersexual?

2005-08-14T08:50:00.000+01:00

Moobs? boobs for men? Himbo?

New Man, New Lad, New Bloke, New Dad and Emo Boy — the latter a new man but much more weepy.

Metrosexual (a man who uses moisturiser and is in touch with his feelings)

The Future of Men, Marian Salzman describes Ubersexuals as supremely confident (without being obnoxious), masculine, stylish and committed to uncompromising quality in all areas of life.

hmm...

Quiting.

2005-08-10T17:34:00.000+01:00

Yup, will be quitting on 16th August. Officially.

*HUGE GRIN*

I do enjoy the kids and working but I think it's enough, I do still want my holidays. *selfish pout*

Things to do:
- read books that I have always been wanting to read.
- watch movies, old/new e.g. The Aviator, Ray,Charlie & Chocolate Factory, some chick flicks.. *can't let Alvin beat me in That, wink*
- eat the superb nyonya kuih that only goes on sale at 3pm *grumbles* at the Batu Lanchang market. and eat eat eat more
- go jogging everyday and yoga. *prays fervently to keep this promise*
- spend more time with family.
- see and meet more friends esp suyin!!
- find friends to go climb Penang Hill. *somehow that's a lost cause w/o trying*

but still..sigh somehow, the kids have put their hooks into my heart...

I'll definitely miss:
-Tze Yon's little, small voice and the smell of him
-Boon Hock's sweeeeeeeeeeeet smile
-Adrian's antics
-Yi Lin who is always so affectionate
-Jin Cheng, Xin Loo, Tze June and many others..
- most of all, Chee Seng!!!!!!!!!! * guilty of having a fav but he is..abashed* He's this chubby kid that always manages to make me smile whenever I am pretending to be mad at him. He's always happy and smiley and forever singing Chinese New Year songs..lolz.

I have tickled, hugged, kissed, gave piggy-back rides... I think they know that this teacher is a sucker for any kind of manja-ing. If I pretend to be angry and they climb into my lap, I'll melt instantly...sigh....

I'll MISS them terribly...

*BAWLS*

smacks Ping

2005-08-09T17:26:00.000+01:00

Rushing by...

2005-08-04T05:57:00.000+01:00

"Life till 17 was like in Gear 1, then after that it's on Gear 4"

It felt like that after I finished my first year. There was a feeling of watching a LRT rushing by with you in it. There is barely time to breathe and recollect. There were too many things that I want to talk about, to blog about, to reminisce about.

But there simply wasn't enough time to savour each experience. When you are doing something at That moment, you are already thinking about the Next moment.

I simply haven't realized that Form 5 was 4 years ago. That is practically a whole secondary school term ago. I am still referring to my secondary school days like it was yesterday. When I was still referring to music popular 4 years ago like they are popular Today, I was in Big trouble.
Where did all the Time go?

Why does a year now feels much shorter than a year back in secondary school? I remembered waiting for my life to start then. Then now that it has started, it is moving way too fast for me. There are waaaay too many things to do, too many people to meet, to many places that I want to go and too little time. Every moment feels too short. I want to cling on to each and every moment and make them last. *sigh*

Like they say, " Suck your chocolates, don't chew them, it'll last longer. "

Nicol David

2005-08-03T19:04:00.000+01:00

Went for lunch today at the Batu Lanchang market and guess who I saw?

*as above*

Layping's brain: "Ooohhh!!! celebrity!!!!! in Penang!! in Market!!!"
Layping's brain: "Must hyperventilate and shriek. see celebrity wor!"
Layping's mouth: "Dad, there's Nicol David!" *pointing madly*

At that time, was still in the car and thus was saved acting like a complete doofus. After parking, saw her at the hawker centre. *started to hyperventilate again*

Dad: Shhhh...eat ur lunch.

Ah well. I missed my Only opportunity to gush over a celebrity. A celebrity in Penang.

If I had tried speaking to her, what would happen?

Me: Are you Nicol David?
Nicol David: "like...duh.."
Me: You are eating lunch here?
Nicol David: "like...duh..."

SEE??? Quite pointless to talk to her unless I am a Super/Mega/Huge/Etc Fan of hers and happen to always have pen and a picture of her at my disposal for an autograph.

and so yes, I paid my "char koay kak" more attention.

Redang

2005-07-27T15:56:00.000+01:00

Fell in love with the sea.

Nothing beats sitting on the boat, the feeling of sun on your face, the sea breeze through your hair and the occasional spray of water of seawater. *wistful*

Ah well, I am a beach newbie, though an "ahem" islander. Penang beaches are nothing to shout about..haha..much less about any "poetic-inspiring" beaches in Penang.

There were so much good things to say about Redang; the place we stayed were wonderful, the snorkelling was fanstatic, beach was simply beautiful and the company was Awesome!

Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great.

*GRIN*

Old Friend.

2005-07-20T18:54:00.000+01:00

Since, I am so free.

2005-07-17T15:44:00.000+01:00

waiting to attach Huge-Ass File to email. *waiting till my neck is long*

Sometimes (Love Actually OST)

We've come too far we can't turn back
Have our good days, have our bad
When I'm feeling blue
You say that I'm hurting you
We try so hard not to fight
But sometimes we cross the line
And I wanna leave
But youWon't let me
We have our highs and lows
Just like everybody else
Doesn't mean that we walk away
We work through our mistakes

Sometimes I love you
Sometimes I don't
But I never ever
Never want to let you go
The road's not easy
But the feeling's strong
It's the little things that keep me holding on
We're both guilty of mistakes
Though you rarely take the blame
Are you coming through
SometimesI hate you
But it's not mistakes in life you make
It's the good you do along the way
The dues you pay
We have our highs and lows
Something everybody knows
Doesn't mean that we run away
We work through our mistakes

OhhhOf all the crazy things in life there's pain
It's you and me
We've come so far sometimes I can't believe
That I wouldn't change a thing

Autism

2005-07-17T15:30:00.000+01:00

Where I work, the centre aims to teach the children to be normal.

To be able to think like how normal people thinks.
To be able to do normal things e.g. wash yourself/feed yourself/eye contact.
To not do what other people think are not normal e.g. tapping your hand/humming nonsensically/saying irrelevant things.

It suddenly strikes me as ironic that we, THE NORMAL people are always striving to find our so-called Identity. To be different from the rest.

To have different clothes. To have different hairstyles. To have a different life from the rest. To think differently from the rest. In media/arts/advertisement, that'll be called thinking out of the box; creativity. That would be applauded! To have mannerisms/accent/slangs/lingo different from the rest. For the teenagers, that would equal Cool. Something that most yearn for.

How so is that the differentness of the autistic children is shunned? To be condemned as wrong? Why is their differentness deemed an abnormality?

To me, it seems quite unfair when we have yet to understand their logic, the way they think. And because we couldn't understand them, we haughtily say that it's wrong. That they should follow what we deem is Normal.

To revisit a past conversation:
Teacher A: It's difficult to teach them because they can't understand us.
Teacher B: No, it's because we canNot understand them

Then, what is IT that we deem Normal?

Sometimes, when I describe the mannerisms of autistic children to people who ask me, they'd most likely would tell me that they would have some of the characteristics as well. Funnily enough, they are not autistic.

Doesn't it seem that it's a very thin line separating normality and autism? And where do we even begin to draw the line?

and all the centre can do is to help them to be as normal as other people think. To stop them from being hurt by their peers, their teachers, their parents, the society. By people who don't understand that they are different.

It's painful to watch.

Kid A has blue black marks on her buttocks that resemble a pattern motif. There is 3 of them there and we deduced that someone hit her with an object. She has temper tantrums problem and sometimes is difficult to handle. Naturally, people under stress will react. Sadly, most of the time with violence. Different from other children, she can't speak. She can't tell us what happen. She can't ask for help.

Kid B is always bullied by friends in school. His friends will tease him, jeer at him, steal his things. Why? Just because he seems different and small kids are sometimes just mischievous and sometimes slightly mean. He doesn't have much friends in school, all his other friends are from the autistic centre.

Kid C doesn't talk except for the littlest of noises. A slight bit here and there. He can't play with a ball. We have to teach him how to throw/kick a ball. To think that he'll grow up with no concept/no enjoyment of football. Of any sports. He has a gluten-free diet. He'll have no taste of the other wonderful food in the world. He'll probably not grow up to travel, to enjoy life, so to speak. For him, it'll be trial after trial to overcome. The slightest upset to his routine would be earth-shattering to him.

Kid D is 9 years old. After school, he comes to the centre for computer classes. After afternoon sessions, his mother will bring him food from home. Then, there's more sessions at night before he is allowed to go back. At home, there'll be more homework to do. No time for playing. No time for entertainment. To be normal, be to accepted, he would have to work harder than other kids. What about his childhood? For his mother, for him to be a able-bodied, accepted adult in the future is more important than his childhood. Yes, that does seem like a fair-trade off for me.

Sadly so...

Teacher Ong, Mandarin, Kids

2005-07-11T17:33:00.000+01:00

Yes, Teacher Ong here. OMG! That sounds weird even till now. The kids, the parents, the other teachers all call me that. Day in, day out. How spooky is it that whenever I go to a new place, I Earned myself a new name.

Penang= layping/Girl.
Taylors= layping/maggie
Cambridge=Ping
Back to Penang= Teacher Ong/Girl

So, to speak of a teacher's life. I am teaching in Mandarin. Yup, you heard that right. Me, a banana *eyes wide open* I have just grasped the basics; enough for scolding the kids, enough for subtration/addition (don't even know what it multiplication/division), enough for the famous teacher's sigh of disappointment "Pu Ke Yee Chiang De" followed by tsk tsk, enough for negotiating with the kids on how much playing time they are getting, enough for 1-100.

The optimistic me thinks that it should be enough to get by for the next two months until....

a smart aleck walks in with superior Mandarin. How superior, ah well Std 2, enough to trash me, so to speak. ;)

Z.Yang: Shen me shi monkey?
Me: Monkey is monyet *at lost for Mandarin word*
Z.Yang: Monkey shi hou zi *haughtily*

After 2 seconds and my blush have yet to recede,

Z.Yang: Shen me shi Crocodile?
Me: Crocodile is Buaya
Z.Yang: Crocodile shi Er Yu

Me, trying to replace everything into BM which obviously the kid doesn't understand. After a few more questions, I whispered to the kid, " Bu yao wen wo, wo bu dong" and hastily asked him to ask another teacher.

After a moment of silence, he continued. I think he's determined to teach me Mandarin. *blush*

Another Mandarin misfortune, this morning a kid came in asking for thing sia. Me, and two more teachers all do not know how to read Mandarin, just the basic words. *pengsan*Poor kid however found help in the form of another older kid who have read those words. Somehow, I think that the pedestal the kid put us on just came crashing down on her today. *guilty*

Yet another diversion. I have finally come to terms with my job and is starting to enjoy it. Sorry for the earlier bout of complaints. *sheepish* Teaching the kids are fun! Hugs are aplenty, tickle them, tease them and "negotiate" with them. 5 mins playing time, then back to work. hahahahaha and you'll know how manipulative some kids can get. They'll purposely manja with you to get off the work, that's the better ones. The worse ones will kick/shriek/scratch/run away and you'd think that doing some ABC's is worse than seeing the dentist.

Last but not least, kids smell good. Hahhahaha, I either sound like a paedophile saying that or like the nasty Giant in fables that eats kids for breakfast.

But yeah, they smell good, like smell of the air after the rain.

To revisit a past conversation:

Me: I waaaaant Kids, Now *moans*
Alvin: Get a goat

Now, is that a good pun or what? *wink*

KL.

2005-07-10T16:50:00.000+01:00

I did miss KL as well.

Back in 4 hour-bus rides to and fro. Back to noisy, packed, smelly Pudu. Back to Major Huge shopping complexes. Back to Good Japanese Sushi. Back to cranky, funny taxi drivers.

*grin*

It doesn't feel quite like back yet till I went into this taxi driver who loudly proclaimed that a bridge collapsed and killed 5000 people. Then he went on a rant about people shopping that are causing all the massive jam and why does people shop anyway. Ah well, the lil' shopaholic me kept quiet. ;) Bemused by what he said and was not really believing till I saw the night papers. OMG! It's true except for the 5000 killed ppl that is. It's just that a part of the bridge under construction has fallen off. So yes, back to funny/cranky taxi drivers. Hahaha, I have met my share of them and most of them are soooo funny. You have the cranky ones which complain about traffic/weather/politics. You have the nice, fatherly types who tell you to be careful in the Big, bad city, KL. You have the really inquisitive ones who ask you where you stay, where you stay, where you come from. and from time to time, you'll have the quiet one that doesn't say anything. and When u are really unlucky, you get the ones which bleed you dry. e.g. RM20 from Pudu to Midvalley. sigh.

Basically this trip, I ate a lot and shopped a lot. and oooh..*clap clap* found a really good restaurant below Cititel Midvalley that does To-Die-For Siu Loong Pau. *smacks lips*

One rant that I have about my trip is however about "Get LayPing attached" campaign. At every other minute, she'll lament about me still being single. and how if I don't take the opportunities that come my way, I'll miss my "jodoh" and will live a lonely old maid with 1001 cats or something. Then, when I cannot tahan, I will just shake my hands and tell her I don't want to get married. Then, that'll start her campaign again. sigh. I need a better tactic to ward her off. I am just 21. Give me break. and the She is my Mum. sigh....

Ok. Back to happy things. Bus ride back to Penang and crossing the Penang Bridge at night. Brings back lovely memories of bus rides during Taylors with Sookie/Justine/Alan/Alvin and sometimes alone.

*grins*

Too much to tell...

2005-07-07T18:24:00.000+01:00

Whenever I have too much things to tell, I just make a list. So far, things that have made me happy/sad/tired/disappointed/pensive are

- working at the autistic centre; ABC-ing, 123-ing the whole day
- May, Alvin, Chongka came out to Penang
- Going down Kl this weekend with Parents
- Being at home
- Catching up with friends, Justine especially whom I haven't seen for ages..
- London bombing

Please match the correct mood to the occasion. Note that they are not in the same order and one mood can be used more than once.

Yup. it's proof that I have been a teacher for waaaay too looong.

Tests, War of the Worlds, Curfew

2005-06-30T15:27:00.000+01:00

Went for a plethora of tests today at the hospital. Check-ups and such. Thankfully, loads of fears are unfounded though a doctor declared that I have double the risk of getting breast cancer *makes face* and my heart is pronounced healthy. Which is somewhat comforting but not quite there.

War of the Worlds was wonderful. I loved every bit of it. Dakota Fanning was fanstatic. Tom Cruise is still watchable though slightly on the old side. There are so many bits and pieces to pick on throughout the movie. Plus, this is my first movie here since I got back and I loved the pre-movie commercials which I finally get, unlike some Brittish commercials which would make me go "Huh?" at the end of it. Though some Malaysian commercials are super super cheesy!!!

and I suddenly have a 12 o'clock curfew, dictated by Mum. sigh, this would need some getting used to I guess after months of freedom in Cambridge. Apparently, Penang is a DANGEROUS place. After hearing all the horror stories, I guess my Mum's right. Yup, fallen into The Cambridge Bubble again.

oh well, this Is a boring post and I could not care more to make it more interesting. *sticks out tongue*

Biological Clock

2005-06-29T17:39:00.000+01:00

During my flight back from Heathrow, I sat beside the most interesting passenger. She was in her late thirties, a Penangite working in Bristol. She's travelling with her family back to Penang. The conversation was progressing normally with all the usual questions; What you doing? Where? How many years? etc etc..

Then, she started telling me about her sister-in-law practicing law in Manchester and how her sister-in-law's family adopted a kid. That triggered her off. She started advising me on marrying early and getting kids earlier because the later you delay, the more difficult it becomes to conceive. Then, I pointed out a MAJOR problem for her. I see No one in sight for me. *chuckles*

Then, sensing that I might be picky or something. She started pointing towards her husband and in a hushed tone, told how she didn't like husband as first. Did not like the looks. Did not like the person. etc.. found him irritating and such.

As all romances go, One fine day, during her examination period, he came to her room to chat to her. After that, she could not put him out of her mind and his vision started flashing in her mind during the examinations. Being a devout Christian, she believed that the visions are signs from God telling her that he's THE ONE for her. and awww..everything went perfectly from then on.

Then, she started telling me about how she embraced Christianity when she was 9 and how it changed her life. Her husband is one of the said examples.

I don't wish to hurt anyone who are devout Christians but at that moment, I was so bemused by her words that I was trying to hold back my chuckles. I was being told that my biological clock is ticking down and that I must heed signs from God to lead me to the correct one, though how unappealing my mind is telling me about any particular person. sigh, I wish that it's as simple as that. For God to highlight the Love of my life with STABILO Bright Yellow highlighter so that I would pick him up.

So, in conclusion, I am still as single as ever. a Happy one at that. waiting for the right one instead of settling. oh well, the right one might be in my blind spot for all I know. but right Now, I am a Happy chick. *grins*

That would answer many questions about my love life diguised as "So, tell me about your life?" when you actually meant, "So, tell me about you LOVE life?" *wink*

trust me on that because I am As kaypoh as you and I use that ruse many times..haha

no offense intended to anyone. =)

Happy Holidays!

Happy times...

2005-06-27T08:18:00.000+01:00

I just want to record these moments before i forgot them all.

Sitting in Kensington Gardens in front of the lake with Daryl, Shanci & Christine. Leaning back and looking at the blue blue sky. So beautiful and so peaceful, almost as if you can drown in the blueness of the sky. Plus, we were trying to crush Daryl which we 3 girls managed to do. *chuckle*

Sitting in Duke York Park.

Watching Hotel Rwanda till the sun rises, cuddling under the duvet and pillows.

Moments that I'll remember forever.

p.s: will write more when less lazy. =)

Closure.

2005-06-25T02:54:00.000+01:00

Finally finished packing. Everything that belongs to me are now in brown boxes, ready to be tossed into the storage room. Feeling drained, melancholy, wistful.

I thought that I'll be esctatic by the prospect of going home but now I have a deep sick feeling in my stomach. I will miss my room, Cambridge, my friends terribly over summer. Over the year, my room has become my home. My little sanctuary from the outside. A place where all my inhibitions are removed. A welcome relief after a long day. Cards, photos of family & friends, posters etc, random stuff thrown about my room. These all made my room Mine. Now, emptied of anything that belongs to me, it feels alien and strange again. Like back on Night One, when I was a fresh-eyed fresher, feeling excited but lost.

That is how I am feeling about year 2. A tad wary of what lies ahead. Unsure of many many things. Feeling like a piece of wood being tossed about in the sea during a violent storm; having no control over what will be happening next.

That is exactly how I felt throughout this year. Making decisions along the way, no beforehand planning. Some regrettable, some not. Lost some friends, gained some. I have had the best moment and pulled through the worst moment.

Though still feeling lost, at least now I know what I want out of from my year 2; what I'll do differently. and the faith that whatever that is thrown at me, I'll pull through somehow.

Yes, my year 1 and my room has both served their purpose. Time to close the door. To say Goodbye.

Delaying packing

2005-06-24T01:42:00.000+01:00

I know that I have to finish packing really soon. I started today with one measly box and my efforts just stopped there.

Plain as day, I am just procrastinating as usual. Deep down inside, I know that I am delaying it because I'll get reflective as I am packing. I'll think about the highs and lows and I Know that I might just burst into tears at some point. So, my strategy is to delay it till the very last minute and then have a last minute packing which would not allow me any time to reflect back.

It'll be painful to reflect. So many things have gone right this year and so many things haven't as well. The good moments are aplenty. I would single out watching the sunrise at Castle Mound at 3.30am as the BEST moment ever. It was sheer beauty. Standing at the top overlooking Cambridge and slowly watching see Cambridge come to light. *wistful* The single Worst moment that I have had is during the middle of Tripos when I just got really really depressed. I blame it on stress screwing up my Pms. But that moment made me realize that there are so many things that I wish are different. Thinking of all the "what if"s if I made an effort to change them made me even more depressed. I managed to supressed all the depression to get through the rest of Tripos and after that I have been having fun since. No time to sit down to think. Now, I guess there's no more running and it's time to open Pandora's box again.

On another note, I went to my coll bar today. This guy started being overly friendly to me and I was surprised. After a few sentences, I finally found that he just broke up with his girlfriend yesterday and his ex-girlfriend was just sitting right behind me. Yup. Trying to make his ex-girlfriend jealous. Awkward moment. What an ass. Thank God after a while, he went away and I went to talk to his ex-girlfriend. Urrggh, I don't want to get caught in between any mess especially when I am just trying to feel my way among my coll mates. sigh, disappointed once again.Plus, just found out this week that a friend of mine broke up. A friend who is idealistic and whom I always thought that if this friend started any relationship, it'll definitely last. That kind of friend. For this friend to have found someone, I was really happy for my friend. It's kind of proof that it could be done. Now, my friend broke up. A million things could go wrong and it's so fragile and it's so unattainable. There's so many hurdles to go through. From the period of finding someone that you like, from the period of "tackling" the person, from the "honeymoon" period, from the trying to fit each other period, from the settled/boring period with "distractions". So much effort to make it last. Even typing all the hurdles down is a chore, not counting those miles apart. Hats off to those maintaining a long distance relationship. Thank you for showing me that it's doable. =)

Constants, changes

2005-06-19T08:42:00.000+01:00

People change, friends come and go, parents would eventually leave someday, somewhat. The world moves on, every year bring changes. The feeling, the taste, the smell of a place changes with time. Like the tree in front of my window, when I first arrived here, it was green, bountiful. Over winter, the leaves fell off and it became barren and cold. Now, spring and summer is here, it bounces back into life, blooming with greenness!

But..

It IS different now. It still looks the same if you don't look too closely. Generally, it's still the same green tree when I first arrive. But every leaf now is different, the colour, the arrangement, the number of leaves are different if you happen to scrutinize.

That IS how I feel after 9 months here. Everything is highly volatile. Changes after changes after changes. Not only in me but the place, the people, home. That no matter how much I want it to stay the same.. the same old me. I just can't. Keep on changing, changing as time goes. It's just like the tree. If I don't look too hard, I can still pretend that it's the same. But if I look slightly closer, the amount of changes is overwhelming.

sigh. I am tired of changing. I want the changes to stop where I am happiest. Like having time suspended in a crystal ball. Ping's happiest moment. Wouldn't that be great?

sigh. But then, I can't always have what I want. There are always rude shocks, rude awakenings. People that you once thought were but isn't now. Things which you were familiar with last time decided suddenly to change. It's all so unsettling. I hate to pick up the pieces time after time when there's any changes and change with it to make myself happy again.

Looking on, there's still a huge expanse of time stretched in front of me. 50 years, give or take. I wonder how I'll survive.

Trying to be happy all the time is so tiring.

I want to stop.

2005-06-11T20:47:00.000+01:00

It's not fun anymore. It stopped being fun quite some time ago. I stuck with it thinking that it'll get better but apparently, it's just an excuse that I am giving myself. The ego in me that thinks that I should not have made a wrong choice. But, I have clearly made a wrong choice. If it's making me unhappy, why stick around with it? when time after time, you give it chances to prove itself but it doesn't do it.

just quit.

Will it still hurt if..

2005-05-28T10:42:00.000+01:00

- it was unintentional?
- it was meant to be a joke?
- it was a white lie?
- you didn't know?

-random thoughts-

Accidentally in Love..

2005-05-27T14:38:00.000+01:00

-counting crows-

=)

Teeth grinding...

2005-05-27T00:33:00.000+01:00

I feel so constipated, torn, jumbled. feeling guilty yet bored. tired but yet cannot sleep. don't want to read but yet I still have to read.

There's still so much to cover but I can barely motivate myself to study anymore. The previous motivation that "I'll Fail if I don't start working hard" has worn out. I "si bak" liao.. I need some new motivation that'll make me dig in my heels and persevere for just another week...... arrrggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.............

After that, there'll be loads to look forward too..

- Party..party..party..party..party..party...
- Sookie coming (yay!)
- Belfast perhaps (?)
- John's & Clare Mayball
- Garden Parties..Cumas, Cumsa
- Loads of free time and chances to go London to shop/eat/shop/shop/shop/shop/shop

note to self: Persevere..persevere..persevere..and cut down on chocolates as well...

*fat and pimply face gazing at the screen*

Catches you unaware

2005-05-20T23:24:00.000+01:00

Do you ever get moments when you suddenly feel as if you don't know yourself anymore? That you no longer have any idea about what you want, why you are doing what you are doing; all the perceptions, principles, standards that seemed so clear to you just while ago now strikes you as false. You feel disconcerted like having the rug pulled under your feet.

"Wasn't it like this?"

"Why does it feel so weird?"

You take a while to regain your bearings and try to re-understand things that you thought you already understood. You try to re-trace the previous path to reach your previous conclusion but you can't. Something has happened that made you see/sense something new that no matter how hard you try to lie to yourself that previous conclusions are true, They are Not. It's a rude awakening. Things which you assume that were true are actually not. *ice-cold water splashed across your face*

Disconcerted. Disillusioned.

Confused. Yet again.

Anatomy of the Bumps..

2005-05-14T17:39:00.000+01:00

Over the past week/S or so, I seem to have accumulated quite am impressive number of bumps and bruises all over my body. Never have I have so much bruises since I was a tiny tot walking on unsteady legs. Sigh..and they stay so long with me that I am tempted to give them names already. Well, they Are a part of me and I should respect every part of me (?) [Oh well, guys perhaps would understand about naming body parts? *wink*]

To give an inventory:-

- bruise on the medial side of my right knee. cause: fell down on stairs in Norway. duration: more than 2 weeks
- bruise on whole kneecap of my left knee. cause: fell down during Frisbee at a Wet pitch. Duration: less than a week
- bruise on my right toe. cause: shoes is too tight, ran around too much. duration: a month
- bruise on my left toe. cause: same as right toe plus stepped on several times. duration: similar
- bruise on my left temple. cause: open the cupboard while leaning too near. duration: yesterday

key:
level of worry increases with colour depth

*downcast*

That's 6 bruises. 6 bruises. I never sustain so much injury in my body before. Alright, i am A girl lar. Give me a break here. I don't do much sports, contact or otherwise.

sigh. I Should stop being such a klutz.

'Tis the Exam period..

2005-05-11T18:38:00.000+01:00

When:-

- The usual " U alrite?" greeting is turned into "How's the work going?"
- Most people on Msn are "away" or "busy"
- Eating either microwaveable food or hall food
- Getting very acquainted with the food selection in M&S or Sains
- 6 packets of various half-eaten/half-opened cookies in your room [brain food/comfort food?]
- The library is packed, i mean Packed.
- People start to be nortunals, friends disappear...
- Most conversations turn into "How's the format like?", "How do you do that?" instead of the usual "Who's with who now?" etc..
- Conversations are kept brief and TO the point.
- People walk around with a glazed look in their eyes and eyebags underneath

But on the brighter side,

- There are tons of Frisbee games
- People cheering each other on to study =)

Oh well, it's another month to go and it's back to Sunny Penang...

hang in there. there. there. there.

*bangs head on table*

Things on my mind.

2005-05-04T23:22:00.000+01:00

Several thoughts have been circling in my mind for the past few days:

-Moments

-Escapism/denial

-Taking things for granted, esp people

-Dependence

-Pride, mine and others

-Circumstances

-Not Hurting others & myself

-Self-centeredness

-Privacy

well..that's it. All cleared out from my mind now.hee..will expand on them later when I am free-R. *grins*

p.s: there's nothing sinister there. no worries. =)

Waiting...

2005-04-30T23:24:00.000+01:00

I waited, breathless with anticipation,
for It to happen, to come,
for all the excitement, joy, peace that It would bring,

It came but nothing was said/done,
Nothing was clear, doubts were still there,
peace was withhold, joy and excitement diminished,

I waited again, hoping that It would be different,
It came again but It is still the same,
Unspoken, undone,

Again and again, I waited,
each time with More hope than the last,
each time with More expectations than the last,

It came, time after time,
but yet It never fulfills,
Each time, there were More doubts than before,

I am tired of waiting,
It would never fulfill.

Missing my girlfriends..

2005-04-26T22:32:00.000+01:00

Sigh..that said, I miss Amy and Hoon Shien. All the funny, crazy, spontaneous things that we did in Ridzuan. All the silly conversations that we had about nothing and everything in general. All the looooong serious conversations that we had throughout the year; about life, about human nature, about ourselves, our doubts, our worries, our family, our expectations of ourselves, principles, ideas, ambitions.

slowly but surely, i knew more and more about each of you and me, you. We talk and share openly about things that we hold dear to our hearts. the connection and the understanding was so tangible that I could actually feel it. a tingling sensation followed by a sense of peace, of feeling safe and secure. and from there I learnt that I have two very solid rocks to fall on if any need rises. You guys would listen patiently and try to understand, and never ever judge. and would help me clear my confusion and my doubts and to help me understand what needs to be done. I remember how both of you sat through the Whole night with me to help me make up my mind whether to apply to Cambridge or not. I was So full of doubts then. and I cannot stop Thanking both of you for helping me to arrive to that decision. and there are so many times when you would put aside your work/priorities just to help.

and there were lessons to be learnt as well. Kindness, niceness, helpfulness.. all these I learnt from both of you. Some things that both of you said that I haven't had the wisdom to see then, I see and understand now. both of you are ever so willing to open up, to bring me into your lives, your past, your family. there are no barriers, everything and everyone understood each other and we could foresee what the other person would say or do. and we know precisely when anyone of us is in a bad mood and know what to do to cheer each other up. ice-cream, chocolates, pastries..normally do the trick..hahaha..but sometimes, there are things that goes deeper that need listening to and understood.

sigh. I miss the closeness, the ease. to just be there.

as much as I want to return to the days when we are That close, I can't. our lives are so different now, the people we meet, the new friendships that we start, the new experiences that we all share separately with other people. talking about it would add some understanding but Not being there physically and seeing for yourself, i could only just listen and try to understand but maybe not really truly relate. we could put in the effort, try to catch up with each other's lives but we are all living it separately. the distance would still be there but at least with effort we could close the gap. =)

new friendships are so fragile. there isn't enough time to build a past for the friendship to be based upon. there are still barriers, unspoken thoughts. a new friendship that you think would last sometimes would not. circumstances change and there isn't enough reason for us to try and maintain it. there was no past, hence no reason to put in the effort to close the gap. i used to wonder whether lasting friendships form by circumstances or by effort? How would you know whether the friendship is worth keeping if circumstances didn't allow enough time for the friendship to have a reason to be maintained? How could you just see someone and tell yourself that "yes, I want to be great friends with her."? For me, there must be enough opportunities or jodoh for the friendship to have enough time to grow. Enough time at least until there is reason to maintain it by effort. for me, lasting friendships are formed in the order of circumstances, then effort. and for the circumstances to happen, it takes a lot of luck and a HUGE does of fate just like love. ;)

which is why great friends are for keeps. especially girlfriends.

i AM smitten..

2005-04-26T11:38:00.000+01:00

Look!!Tom which is So lovable. I want a Pet NOW!!

Tom sleeps with his hands in the air.lolz..

oh..i DO SO WANT A PET.

Beautiful Country with even More beautiful women wink

2005-04-26T11:32:00.000+01:00

In Uncle's house, Stavanger, Norway. -love the red-

Still Uncle's house. background pics, taken by my Uncle in China.

At the quay near Uncle's house with some children I managed to accost to take pics with. ;)

Still at the quay.

Happy family at the Mexican Restaurant. =)

At the Confirmation. Norwegians dressed in their traditional costumes

Me and Cousin. Party hats courtesy of party poppers

Sorry for the teaser. I forgot to take any pictures with any Chio Bu's there. There are some cute young blonde girls though. But do trust me when I say that almost all the women there are tall, slim and blonde. [no better tourism advert than this *grins*]

Happy.Happy.Happy

2005-04-26T11:27:00.000+01:00

Dad, Me, Grandma in Bangkok City, Cambridge

In front of Johns College

Digging myself into a grave...

2005-04-15T14:19:00.000+01:00

I have SO SO SO SO SO SO SO much work to do...arrrrrggghhh!!!!!!!!

just to release stress. not to worry anyone. Brought this upon myself with all the procrastinating.. don't have to pity me. better yet, shout it to my face loudly, "Serves me right!" that'll be ideal..probably i'll start working consistently..*continues to moan*

on a happier note, will be going back to penang this summer. finally, i have decided and will pay for my flight ticket in a few days time. back to sunshine, wearing sandals and shorts, shopping in Vincci, Padini..etc, eating spicy food..*yum*, talking to my parents about nothing and everything in particular, meet up with friends- sec school, taylors, cambridge..etc.. and eat eat eat eat eat eat eat. how could i Not get fat when i return? the food is gorgeous and there's no cold weather to burn off my fat..sigh.. i am glad that i decided to go home after all the indecisiveness and the "i am tough, i don't need home persona." this is making me really really really happy!!! looking forward to tons of things!!

i am so Happy at the prospect at going home that i NOW wonder WHY in the first place, I could forgo going back. *puzzled* Haha..well i thought that i know myself well enough. Turns out, I have just been cheating to myself, i wouldn't exactly be miserable if i stayed back but i wouldn't exactly be happy either. Not being very true to myself am i? but then again, how many of us are actually true to ourselves? Do we really know who we are or do we only know who we want to be? that's a large difference, no? It's often easier to know who we Want to be rather than the former because truth hurts, especially the ones which we admit to ourselves. and we will struggle to keep finding excuses to keep the nagging feeling away that we are So wrong bout ourselves. well.. i am just speaking about myself. if you are remarkably well-adjusted and completely true to yourself, tell me which shrink you see ya? cause i think i need one.

sigh.lazy lazy lazy lazy. hate myself..uuurrghh.. lay ping, Study!!

p.s: it's the stress. i am normally a nice person to myself, aren't i not? Ping are you listening? I am, aren't i? Ping??!!!!..*grinning maniacally*

My first rose..

2005-04-14T17:34:00.000+01:00

over Msn:
Kai Er: Go look at your plodge. I left something for you. It's alive!

Me: yay!! thanks loads!!

[puzzled]

buy me a rose, call me from work. [ Luther Van Dross]

Wonderful Kai Er, so sweet of her..

*swoon*

Traditionally Cambridge; punts

2005-04-14T17:22:00.000+01:00

Me and Daryl on the punt, courtesy of Punter with cap [yijin]

along the river, picture of St.Johns College

hauntingly beautiful

awwww...so romantic.

The best thing about Cambridge in spring is Not the mushrooming ice-cream stalls all over the place, is Not the beautiful flowers sprouting everywhere, is Not girls in short skirts [well, i AM a girl myself- couldn't care less], is Not the holidays, is Not the chance to see blue blue skies, is Not the chance to dump my thick jackets..

BUT to enjoy the river.. punt along the river. To feel the breeze blowing gently and you lean back and enjoy the scenery float pass you.. feeeling Oh so calm, peaceful and contented. with some strawberries and grapes in the punt.. and taking photos every so often and "Oooh" and "Aaaah" every few moments, as the Grand Johns College looms ahead just around the bend, the romantic Bridge of Sighs [imagine clandestine lovers meeting there for rendezvous *wink*] and the willows hanging down, surrounded by the river that looks deceptively clean.

well, i'd like to leave you with that calm image but.... for the more adventurous, punting is A sport. you'll have to come and try it for yourself!! *grins*

Mum & Dad.. I love U

2005-03-27T14:20:00.000+01:00

They are Bestest, best people on this whole wide world to Me. *in a little girl's voice* They are always there, no matter what. They always think the world of their daughter, no matter how badly I behave, they are still willing to forgive me and love me at the end of the day. They are always willing to listen to me, chattering away for hours and hours, about my worries, my insecurities, my musings...anything that comes to my mind, hardly complaining even i get irritatting. They are willing to spoil me, buy me whatever things that i want. They respect my decision, my choice even if it is not what they wanted for me. They are happy when I am happy. They try to make me happy when I am sad. They give me courage and support in whatever that I want to achieve.

Mum, I miss the times when:
-we hung out on the swing in my garden at night, sitting there in the silent night under the starry sky...just enjoying each other's company without talking much
-we made cookies together, me trying to press the dough into some semblance of the shape you wanted. and you always always can get it into the perfect shape
-i'll go to the kitchen and steal the food whilst you are still cooking dinner..hehe
-we go shopping in KL together, when you'll accompany me into every shop and give me advice on what to buy and what not to buy. you are still the only person that will tell me honestly if my bum looks Huge.. *grins* and we will shop shop and shop till late at night and i am still amazed at how much energy you have!!
-you'll buy me supper when i am burning the midnight oil

Dad, I miss the times when:
-you'll fetch me home from school and we'll go for some nice lunch and i'll tell you everything that happen to me that day. every other 5 minutes, i'll ask you whether you are still listening..*grins*
-you'll wake up from your nap and go out in your motorbike and buy us some afternoon snacks which I am Not suppose to tell mum about it..hehe
-you'll come out of your room in the middle of the night and give me a pat on the back when i am burning the midnight oil
-we'll go out at night to buy pirated vcd's and buy supper
-you'll try to get me out of the bed every morning to go jogging with you by pulling my leg out of the covers..sometimes i manage to wake up, sometimes i don't.
-you'll tell me about you life in the past and all the things that i still have to learn from you

even though i am sometimes aloof, sometimes stressed, sometimes misbehaving, sometimes self-centered that i wonder how could Mum & Dad still love me...but Mum & Dad still do.. and i realize how so very Lucky i truly Am..

to me, parental love is the most pure, most self-sacrificing. they do not get to choose the kind of person that their daughter/son are but they still love them no matter what. for their daugther/son, they are willing to give up everything and they are even sadder than we are when we are sad. and they derive so much joy just by being with us. in one of my flights of fancy, i wonder about how i'd be if i become a mother and i realized that i'd love my kid (preferably a daughter *wink*) so so so so very much and would give everything that i have got to him/her. i came across this blog today and it is written by the Parents to their daughter and she's only 1 years old now.. and it's so..so sweet.. The world according to Ayjia,(http://ayjia.blogspot.com/) ~enjoy~

I am Not homesick, just parentsick..*grins*

2005-03-23T20:39:00.000Z

The tree outside my window when i First arrive (October)

2005-03-23T20:30:00.000Z

The tree when snowing..

Clubbing

2005-03-19T01:47:00.000Z

I hate it when:
-random guys put their hands on me
-random guys start to talk to me
-random guys hitting on me
-random guys checking me out

*makes face*

I just enjoy going to the club and dancing to good music e.g. R&B, hip hop, some good cheese and dressing up in nice clothes. basically just dance & enjoy myself!!!
without all the added unwanted attention..

sigh.

and sometimes thinking back, it's so hilarious. if some guy comes up to me and my friend, i'll pull her away and we'll move towards the other end of the dance floor..far ..far away. and there was this one time when my friends and me moved to and fro the whole dance floor several times for half the night before settling in some comfortable spot to dance. plus there are always the random elbows that moves dangerously to your face/head because the angmors are so tall and i am so short...and there'll surely by the "nudgers", people who had to push through to get from one end to the other end.. they'll push/shove/whatever just to get through... then last but not least, the pulsating/shaking bodies that will push and push till you barely have space to dance..

but then, clubbing won't be fun unless the music is really loud and the crowd is comfortably crowded.. meaning packed enough for the partying atmosphere but Not so packed till you have no breathing/dancing space..

To have my cake and eat it Too:
- go with a REALLY BIG group of friends and occupy most of the dance flour so that people will dance around your group instead of shoving you elsewhere. there'll be less nudging and no "migration" during the course of the night
-go with some guys so that if some random guy starts dancing with you and you don't like it, you'll just turn towards your friend. no needless "migration" as well.
-find out when the club will play your favourite music and when Most of the student population will be there

As with everything else in Life, there'll be some Great clubbing nites and some "duh" clubbing nites...i'll just have to learn how to pick my nites.. *grins*

random scribblings..

2005-03-13T19:32:00.000Z

i've always been an open book, telling people around me what i feel, what i think about anything, everything at most moments....well, amy and hoon shien can attest to that..hehe..

suddenly, i realized that it's getting harder and harder for me to express myself to others. sometimes, facing the blank post, i'd scribble something then delete it because i'm quite uncomfortable with the idea of baring myself..thus and therefore, there are many more pictures in my blog than there are long posts. sometimes, i'd just rather keep my thoughts to myself of stating it out. only a very very big issue would propel me to state my comments on it.. it has come to such extent that my coll medics thought that i am quiet.. hahaha.. that's quite disconcerting because i've never been quiet in my whole life. i've always been opinionated and quite vocal as well..

i wonder why the sudden change? sign of growing up or sign of inconfidence?

somethings are better left unsaid, i agree. saying it would just make the situation worse, if you can save yourself that, may as well not say anything. and some thoughts you just want to keep to yourself to savour and think and re-think. there's no need to tell someone what you think if it's irrevelent to what's happening at that moment. i used to think that if you Have to tell people what you observed or think though it's irrelevent, you are just inconfident of what you've thought and that you wanted affirmation that what you think is correct. and some feelings you just want to keep inside you instead of hashing it all out e.g homesickness, worries, anxiety. maybe it's because i feel that i should give myself a chance to deal with my feelings and problems first before letting other people know. besides, sometimes the feelings are so illogical that looking back, you'll feel like an idiot for having expressed that..or maybe i'm just deathly afraid of being judged now for whatever i say or do? hmm...maybe.. maybe keeping something to yourself and making a decision for yourself, you save yourself the scrutiny that you are subjected to if you had expressed it.

having said that, it's an irony that i'm posting this on my blog..*grins*

Spring is in the air..

2005-03-11T16:26:00.000Z

bright sunlight before 7am, bright sunlight after 6pm..
warmer, time to shed those heavy coats..
beautiful blue skys and puffy clouds
daffodils and tulips blooming in the gardens
fat pigeon sitting on the tree outside my window
oh...it's so beautiful..

Why do my heart sigh?

sighs.

Happy WOMEN'S Day!!!!!!!!!!

2005-03-08T12:42:00.000Z

-to celebrate us being women
-to free us from oppresion of society's norms, obligations, standards
-to raise concerns about women violence
-to provide more resources for women seeking help e.g abuse, single mothers
-etc..

in my ideal world, women can walk in the streets at night without feeling afraid. women can walk into a bar full of men without being harrased. women are allowed to achieve what they want, in any profession even that dominated by men. women can get the same amount of pay for the same job as men. women are given the same opportunities to climb the corporate ladder-no more old boys club. women are respected in the working world and sexual harrassment; verbal or otherwise are stopped. single fathers are frowned upon by the society as much as single mothers are. women do not suffer in silence of domestic abuse. men are not exempted from their crimes just because they are men. genocide is stopped. women are empowered to voice their concerns and to speak against the hurt inflicted on them.

Yes, we do want to scale new heights and let the sky be the limit. celebrate equality between men and women. and we want to appreciated for being who we are...even with our monthly pms, depression, fickle-mindedness, shopping, gossiping with other women, nagging...

we do still love men.

but stop hurting us: grandmothers,mothers,wives,sisters,girlfriends,daughters.

Biting off more than I can chew?

2005-03-06T23:31:00.000Z

Amidst all the activities, the university work lies lurking quietly behind the background. there's the daily rush of practicals, labs, dissections, supervisions, essays and reports to rush, and loads of reading to catch up on and tests coming up this week and next..and in May will the be the dreaded Tripos....

lined up this week, I've got Homerton formal and Caius formal, perhaps a Cumas meeting coming up (?), an MCQ mock test this friday, ISBM and MSOC next friday whose passing marks is a bloody high 70%......stooooooopid..

I' ve just got back from Oxford as mentioned earlier, tired. I've just played netball in Oxford, something I played a while back when I was in secondary school.. *hazy memories* not knowing what to do, I just played after refreshing my memories of the rules there and then....well it didn't go very well.. effort was made in running around and jumping up and down to block the ball but tactic was poor... all in all, it's a good game and it piqued my interest in netball!! yesterday, i cycled to Girton to a swim even though I haven't cycled in years and subsequently fell of my bike 4 times..well on soft grass..so it's not too bad..haha..i realized that i am doing a lot more things that i never have the nerve to try before and I am just basically feeling my way around it like the blind..telling myself that it'll be ok and that it'll turn out all right, being slightly blindingly optimistic i think...

it's all very exciting and exactly what I wanted out of my student life..to basically try as much things as possible..

but.....considering that my work is suffering.. i really wonder if I have bitten off more than i can chew?

sighs.

Trinity Formal (3rd March)

2005-03-06T22:45:00.000Z

Trinity formal (3rd March) clockwise fr left: Tsing Ling, Chee Lup, Sinyi, Me. happy wine-RS!!!!

well..red wine this time..clockwise from left: Chee Lup, Irene, Sinyi, Me.

the week after the toiling for Malaysian Food feast was a lazy week filled with staying in and basically enjoy my room without worrying about the feast..ahh..bliss. then came the Trinity formal..thanks Piing Chau. The food was Fanstatic.....except for the dessert *makes face* but the compensatory dessert from Sains made up for it...hehe.. well, every formal wouldn't be complete without any wine, red or white.. well we got both, as evidently seen. Finally got a chance to try port but we made a mistake and bought a lousy port... so I didn't really like it very much..apparently it's a female drink as well, meaning that it's sweet. in the same sense that Baileys, Sheridan, Malibu are girl drinks as well..I finally came to a conclusion, if I don't get anything out of my Cambridge experience [touch wood!], at least I learnt how to cook for 200 ppl and got an alcohol education..*wink*

I've just got back from Oxford today but I have no pics to post up as yet..I'd still prefer Cambridge over Oxford though even Oxford have bigger colleges, bigger streets, more shopping area [they even have Zara!! *scandalised*], better selection of food chinese, western or otherwise..

Does no place like home ring a bell? i realized that i've grown quite attached to Cambridge and over the course of 6 months, it has become my home. All the small lanes with bicycles, and squashed-up buildings near each other, all the small pattiseries to get sinful pastries like Nadia's, Presto, midnight jaunt out to Gardies, jogging along the river, meeting up with Sinyi for lunch dates have become a norm and something to look forward to.

And my room has become my haven.. coming back to my quiet room at the end of a busy day, I'll just sit on my chair and stare outside to my window and recollect myself. peace.quiet moment. silence. *contented*

Malaysian Food Feast (27th Feb)

2005-03-06T22:41:00.000Z

Malaysian Food Feast: Cooking for 200 people is not an easy job..especially 200 HUNGRY Malaysians. *wipes brow*

The amount of food prepared and the HUGE pots of FOOD which we started preparing for a day before...(27th Feb)

Another evidence of the HUGE amount of food prepared.

the EATERS.... insert *scary musics*..hehehe

The cutters/cooks/servers/crowd control/performaers during the feast. The commitee members:Irene, Sinyi, Me

HUGE sigh of relief that the whole adventure which started in November ended finally with a BANG!!! Thankfully.. *smiles* Started coming up with the menu in November and so started the flurry of requests to bring food back from Malaysia during the Michaelmas break. In January, it intensified with the search for the puuuurr-fect venue which is a total headache. places that we wanted at the dates that we wanted were unavailable and there were lots of moments of panic over MSN and email...before we finally got the BESTEST venue ever. New Hall with the fanstatic kitchens, wonderful helpers, tables, chairs and tabl clothe prepared for our usage all without a penny.. *rubbing hands with glee*

Well, we couldn't risk feeding people with our amateur cooking w/o testing them out first and the ex-comm was the test subjects..the verdict? the food is dee-licious!! with better confidence but still with much trepidation, we started to prepare cooking for 200 people. There are 13 dishes that we are preparing for and there were 10 of us in the committee cooking. well, you can do the maths..

It was an exciting, exciting week and even more exciting weekend. Started off the week with the ordering food from Sains, walking up to New Hall to check the kitchens and having last minute adjustments with amt of food/ppl/ticketing.

Saturday: carrying HUGE-ASS pots from the halal shop and SHIT-loads of meat to New Hall. the dicing/slicing/marinating/washing/agar-agar cooking started and ended with a silenced kompang practice. *wistful smile*

Sunday: THE day.. pumped full with coffee, raring to go!! started to cook..cook...cook..cook...in batches. adrenaline rush nearing the feast, rushing around transporting/arranging food/gathering the workers around. Loads of early guest helped out. *bows and blows kisses* you all have my eternal gratitude for the many many times of re-arranging the food around the loooong table. 7.45pm; the doors are open! Before the EATERS started, we had a kompang performance with a slight twist..*grins* rmb the Malaysian Idol guard advertisement?

YiJin: "Young Man, What are you doing here?"

Yi Jin: "Young Man." Kompang accompaniment.

The song continues [I'll get the lyrics sometime and post it up.. it's quite hilarious!!] and ended with " Mari Makan". Then began the non-stop serving, running around to get things done. quite easily, the food was finished quite soon even the lamb kurma and chi kut teh in the HUGE-ASS pots.. *awed at the eating ability of Malaysians, stands respected* and there were lots of pats on the back on the wonderful quality of food....*cat with cream smile*

hahahs..maybe we are all closeted world-class chefs..*arches eyebrow*

well, we do have to Thank Brahim, A1 and Adabi for their wonderful contributions.. *grins*

It was tiring and exhausting. But, it was fun, exciting.. err...well perhaps not the washing up part but you get what I mean..*wink*

glad..

Cumsa Ball (12th Feb)

2005-03-06T22:37:00.000Z

with the rest of Sidney Medics before the Cumsa ball, coincidentally there was Medics dinner that night as well which I could not attend. =( from left to right: Vicki, Emma, Marie, Manpreet, Alex, Laura, Jon.

Cumsa Ball (11th Feb) from left to right: Cindy, Vanessa, Me, YiJin, Alvin, Sean, Suresh in the front

Our table 4, fr left to right:Chee How, Edwin, Suresh, Sean, Alvin, YiJin, Me,Cindy, Irene, Katie

The hamper which our table WON by bidding!! yummilicious food from Cho Mee *GRINS*

Chinese New Year in Cambridge

2005-02-10T17:08:00.000Z

Reunion Dinner-of-Sorts- Alvin, Yi Jin, Me, Sin Yi. Julius at the back and Suiseng still at supervision.

Wonderful, Glorious Food..and Julius

After dinner party at Cromwell!! courtesy of Vanessa *grins*

Attack of the Reds!!!

Too happy to sleep...

2005-01-18T01:23:00.000Z

Very very happy today because:

1) DREADED test is over and it wasn't as horrible as i expected it to be. *fingers crossed*
2) Friend's 21st birthday. Birthdays always make me HAPPY, even though it's not mine. *grins*
3) Have two free days before term officially starts on Thursday.
4) Going to Harrods on Wednesday. YAY!!!!!
5) Found out that Borders has 20% student discount on Starbucks till Friday. Caramel macchiato. YUM!!!
6) Feeling more at ease with everyone and everything. start of term is starting to look less daunting..

SO much things to look forward to, namely:-

a) Selwyn Formal
b) Malaysian Nite
c) CHINESE NEW YEAR
d) CUMSA BALL [New dress. YAY!!]
e) Valentine's day [err..]
f) Malaysian Food Feast [fingers crossed]
g) Sinyi's 21st Birthday
h) Dad coming over. *HUGE GRIN*
i) Going back for Summer. [Ahhh.. Penang at last.]
j) Cookouts/Starbucks/hanging out/movies/eat-out/etc in between
k) Snowfights [soon??]

Things I am NOT so much looking forward to:
a) Work. Loads of them.
b) Tripos Examination

2 versus 11. Hmm... it should NOT be too bad...the start of term is starting to look more rosy already...*grins*

Happy start of term!! Hugs and mwahs!!

This is what happens when u have TOO much coffee...

2005-01-16T01:05:00.000Z

You Are a Visionary Soul

You are a curious person, always in a state of awareness.
Connected to all things spiritual, you are very connect to your soul.
You are wise and bright: able to reason and be reasonable.
Occasionally, you get quite depressed and have dark feelings.

You have great vision and can be very insightful.
In fact, you are often profound in a way that surprises yourself.
Visionary souls like you can be the best type of friend.
You are intuitive, understanding, sympathetic, and a good healer.

Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Selfish lil' me...

2005-01-15T15:54:00.000Z

suddenly felt quite selfish.

haven't bought anything for anyone recently.. like back in Taylors..kuih/chocs/etc for Amy, Hoon Shien, Sook Meng..etc.

It's such an Innocent outing...

2005-01-12T17:44:00.000Z

I am currently under stress. Loads of work to read and memorise in less than 5 days' time for my College exam. Plus essays which I haven't done yet and due in less than 5 days' time too. yes.. yes.. it's all my fault for procrastinating...sigh..

Feeling rather sorry for myself for being under stress [which I shouldn't] and the signs of "further reductions", " 70% 0ff", "Final reductions" in Monsoon, Karren Millen, Accesorize, etc..beckon Oh, so sweetly!! I made a date with Sinyi today to shop only for Accesories. I told myself that I'll only have a Starbucks session for an hour followed by another hour of shopping, then back to STUDYING..

All was going according to plan till I step into Karren Millen. Damn that woman!! was just perusing through the racks without much interest, after all I already have a Gorgeous dress bought slightly earlier. Since, Sinyi was trying on some dresses, I thought may as well... "trying is free, after all". The next few minutes are all in a blur as a moment of " OMG, I look GORGEOUS!!!" occured. Debating whether to buy or not didn't take quite long. Sorry to say that I gave in quite easily.. Yes.. yes.. I admit it.. I am Weak..sigh.

The only thing I could use to gag my conscience is that I checked my balance earlier and I was spending LESS than I thought I was..

So.. *wicked grin* MY GUILT IS ABSOLVED.

Obviously, the day couldn't end with just one dress. I picked up another bracelet, earrings and necklace and body butter.

Total hours spend: 4.5 Hours
Total $$$ spend: *shhhhh*

Total discipline in Ping: NONE

One sentence in defence: They were ALL on SALE!!!!!!!!!

Sigh.... I rest my case. I am a victim in all of this. *innocent look*

Don't u believe me???

*cackles*

Chee Lup's B'day (7th Day of New Year)

2005-01-12T02:06:00.001Z

Chee Lup's B'day Party

Slightly, quite Red B'day boy!! Yes!! mission accomplished..

Archer's .. YUmmy!!

Trips..

2005-01-10T18:39:00.000Z

Pizza Lunch in Turin, Italy.

am going to introduce the people only once...
clockwise from left: Kah Yong, Huili, Yi jin, Vincent, Me, Tsing Ling

Grasse.. cool cave-like restaurant

Beach in Nice. Windblown hair.. doesn't exactly look sexy does it?!?! *wink*

Monte Carlo.. simply exquisite!! Why wasn't I born rich & famous?? Why?!?!? *bawls*

Nice from the Plane...*swoon*

South of France: Glorious Blue Beaches. Warm. Patisseries. Trainrides.

Escarlate Festival in Geneva..

Me & Tsing Ling: in front of the tallest man-made jet of water in Geneva

That was on the last day of the trip.

Geneva: Beautiful River at Night. Cold. Pastries. Heineken. Escarlate Festival.

To sum up the Entire Trip,

BeeeaauuTiful Places, each with their own charm
Train rides....
Bridge which we played AlotAlotAlotAlot...
Lame jokes
Pastries and coffee at cafes..*yummy*
Graci. Merci. Thank you (?)
Cheese/Bread/Wine
Wonderful Company *smiles*

Being Filthy rich is Not exactly a bad thing..............*winks*

New Year's Eve

2005-01-10T18:16:00.000Z

Steamboat Party on New Year's Eve

The eaters...

Still after eating and before desserts..

VOILA!!!! Here's the delicious desserts and equally/maybe more Dee-licious hostess.. *Grins*

Let the drinking BEGIN...."Jeng, Jeng, Jeng"

Drinking continues...*note the slow increase in Redness*

the Drinks..Mr.Malibu, Mr.Bell & Ms.Smirnoff

2005-01-10T17:00:00.001Z

X'mas in Wales with Sarah & Gareth

2005-01-10T17:00:00.000Z

Hoon Shien, Amy, Me..."Surprise" B'day Party *Grins*

It hurts...

2005-01-08T11:03:00.000Z

When you are 10, it hurts when,

your best friend stops talking to you, suddenly
your teacher punishes you in front of the whole class
you realize you are too old to play with Barbie
your Parents spanks you
you fall down in the playground & scrap your knee

When you are 15, it hurts when,

you fight with your best friend
your teachers are disappointed with you
your Parents give you the silent treatment
you told your crush that you like him and he says, 'Thank you'.
your Dream Prom dress is bought by someone else
you realize that playing games hurt others
you are confused & do not know what you want & what to do

When you are 20, it hurts when,

you start drifting apart from your best friend
you are disappointed with yourself
you still want your Mummy but is too old for it
your bank statement arrives, heavily overdrawn
you realize that the world isn't a Nice place
you like someone cause you figured out that liking someone puts your heart at risk
you are Still confused &do not know what you want & what to do
you realize you Have to grow up.

Twenty-something

2005-01-07T11:21:00.000Z

After years of expensive education
A car full of books and anticipation
I'm an expert on Shakespeare and that's a hell of a lot
But the world don't need scholars as much as I thought
Maybe I'll go travelling for a year
Finding myself, or start a career
Could work the poor, though I'm hungry for fame
We all seem so different but we're just the same
Maybe I'll go to the gym, so I don't get fat
Aren't things more easy, with a tight six pack
Who knows the answers, who do you trust
I can't even seperate love from lust
Maybe I'll move back home and pay off my loans
Working nine to five, answering phones
But don't make me live for Friday nights
Drinking eight pints and getting in fights
Maybe I'll just fall in love
That could solve it all
Philosophers say that that's enough
There surely must be more
Love ain't the answer, nor is work
The truth elludes me so much it hurts
But I'm still having fun and I guess that's the key
I'm a twentysomething and I'll keep being me

Jamie Cullum

Changes, changing, changed.....

2004-12-05T00:52:00.000Z

End of first term!!! Woohoo!! can't believe that eight weeks of utter confusion and blurness have passed.

seeing new faces, comprehending new accents, learning new traditions & rules, making new friends, understanding their quirks, trying to get to the correct lectures at the correct time, making my room feel like home, learning how to Not get lost in the town, knowing where's the best places to do shopping [*wink*], the best places to get good food;bonus if it's cheap as well.. [charlie chan dim sum.. YUM!!], keeping up with the offers in Sains, learning how to organise cookouts, learning about the college system, knowing where to go to seek comfort, learning.. learning..changing.. changing...changing..

Came here with high expectations and grand plans. wanted to learn and understand myself. I wanted to learn about life. to have long, deep meaningful discussions on things in general with good friends. to try out new stuff/hobbies and see how much I enjoy them and how far I can go in them. have Good fun and do utterly crazy, spontaneous stuff. I want to learn and grow up; and Enjoy growing up.

Taking stock:
1. I LOVE food. Eating. Talking about food. Thinking about food. Cooking. *grins*
2. music is FANSTATIC. [used to think that music is dispensable.*shocked*]
3. listen more.
4. stopped reflecting. *shakes head*
5. stopped having long conversations.
6. Bigger love for chocolates and ice-cream. *grins*
7. clubbing, shots, Bailey's. I like. heh.
8. weird accent when talking to angmors.

I have changed. It creeps upon on you unknown..suddenly one day, you just stop being the person you think you are.

*forlorn*

I miss the long, deep conversations the most. The really authentic kind where the connection and the bonding is actually so tangible that you get 'good' goosebumps. *faraway look*

Amy & hoon shien: late night chats till hoon shien falls asleep..
Sook Meng: 4 hours pg-kl/kl-pg bus rides.

Going Home...

2004-11-14T22:13:00.000Z

I went back home this weekend.
and it's true.. when they say that it's the people that makes a place a home. I went to Nottingham, not Penang. [Amy, Hoon Shien, Yee Ping : THANKS!!!]

It was just like old times... chatting and talking to heart's content. Catching up on each other's life, understanding what's happening and what's important to them now. Their issues, their, worries, their way of life. Yes, we do have email and let's not forget the 'evil' MSN.. however nothing beats being 'live'.. there are things you can't see or feel through written words... the expression on your friends face.. their smiles..there are myriad different ones. Full smile, half smile, crooked smile, slight smile... all means different things. How can the One grin smiley in MSN substitute for all of that different smiles!?!? *baffled*

Asking questions and getting responses for all your silly, random musings... no matter how silly! Eating keropok and berkelah just like old Ridzuan times..Relaxing, being at ease with people you truly like and enjoy the company of.. hearing the same familiar laughter, seeing the same quirks...and, knowing that things still remains the same.. that the closeness is still there. It's definitely a comfort. Knowing that whatever happens, there'll be good friends looking out for you. That you are not alone.... and to push on with hope that you'll be as lucky second time around to be blessed with such wonderful, good friends.

Big, Silly GRIN stuck on face.

*SMILES*

Mis-adventures of Ping with Alfie...

2004-10-25T17:48:00.000+01:00

It was a bleak 5 days. Harsh. Cruel.

I had no Internet for a FULL 5 days! Aghast? Shocked at how I manage to survive those hours? without MSN, without Hotmail, without Yahoo, without Google. No contact with the outside world. Though I admit ashamedly, it was my fault. First, trying to be sneaky and beat the system. Second, being ignorant. That's the best combination for digging yourself into a hole and not getting out. Trust me. The full story was that I downloaded songs for a day and for the consequent days, I stopped downloading. BUT... I forgot to switch off my programme whenever I left my Internet on. So in the course of a week, I managed to rack up 6 GB. It would have been fine and dandy if I had actually downloaded all of the 6 GB but only a small, tiny fraction of it was mine. The rest was all uploading. *Bawls*

Oh and it's not all. Somehow, I managed to get my IBM screwed up. That does take quite a bit of skill as reputedly, "IBM are infallible, never ever hang". I say give me an IBM and I'll screw it up in less than 6 months. They probably never considered a customer like me when they built it. I should volunteer for computer testing to save future idiots like me in the future, from the pain and fear that strikes us when computers go horribly wrong.

It hung. Badly. Everytime I click on an icon, the computer just refused to budge. It hates me. I knew it. From the way the green light blinks when I switch it up. Quietly seething with fury. Every night when I am sleeping, it's probably plotting how to make my life more miserable.

HAH! A mere machine can't defeat me. I've got the better of it. I reformatted it back to it's factory settings. Yes.. yes.. Now, it's as tame and malleable as a sheep, putty under my hands. Ahhhh....the triumph of man over machine. Sweet, sweet victory, nothing is more satisfying. *applause please*

and that concludes my Mis-adventures with my laptop. I should give it a name, it does deserve one for being such a persistent and strong fighter. Defiant, fighting till the last "bleep".

Alfie, maybe.. *wink* [Jude Law; salivate]

The end.

Disclaimer: take it with a pinch of salt. better yet, make it a bottle. *grins*

Gowns, Pennying, Formal Hall, Matriculation....

2004-10-14T17:24:00.000+01:00

Me and Friends after Matriculation Dinner

Firstly, apologies! I haven't been updating my blog since I've arrived here. I'll admit, Laziness was a Big factor in not updating it, as gosh! I do spend enough time in my room to actually update it twice a day. [surprisingly!]

Let's see.... what have I've done so far...I 've shook numerous hands and introduce myself as "Ping" which defeats the purpose of painstakingly choosing "Maggie". Officiallly, "Maggie" is now obsolete. Sadly, It didn't have a chance to live before It died. *grins*

I've had my Matriculation Photo taken which is absolutely horrible. Terrible. Horrendous. Aaarrgh! They took 4 shots and chose the two best shots to be selected by us students and I don't look Normal in either one. In one I was looking sideways. Weird sideways at that, only my eyes moved. And in the other one, I was grimacing. Ouch.... So, conclusion was, I didn't have a good photo and am NOT going to pay ten quid for it, no matter how high the sentimental value is. [vanity has spoken.. *grins*]

Punting, rowing, bop's, formal halls in gowns, homesickness, salsa, clubbing, Sainsbury, McD, walking in the rain, cutting up cadaver, supervisions, flu, eating Chinese food, laundry and damp clothes, phonecall from Sandora [yay!], getting my half skeleton, speaking 'lah's & 'ar's, exploring, just chatting...etc.

It all seems so surreal. At that moment.

Taking it all in now, I realize that I am glad. Glad that I had some good times, some bad times, some "let me try this" times, some stupid times, some really lost times and some Brilliant times.

Yes, I am glad.

*smiles*

Farewell to my ex-roomies!

2004-09-16T16:35:00.000+01:00

Night out at Miri Park.

The first night at Ridzuan, I couldn't sleep cause I was trying to sleep as neatly as possible-legs straight and together, hands by my side. I wore slippers to the bathroom. AND I actually wash my own clothes. I would wake up at the appointed time, sharp. I would try to laugh politely, you know, the "heeheehee" ladylike giggle behind the hand. (rolls eyes) I would mind my P's & Q's everytime I speak.

Towards the end, I slept with my legs wide open, arms flung out. I stopped wearing slippers to bathroom. No, I send my clothes to laundry, finally. I wouldn't wake up at the appointed time. It's always 5 minutes more! I am toooo lazy to wake up. I sent a sms to Amy telling her I wanna skip class, from my bed. She's in the living room. [curse of the sleep-lovers..] I stopped trying to laugh politely, it's Not me. I only do it now when I want to crack them up. *grins* I still do mind my P's & Q's.

They stopped becoming my friends a long time ago. We became family.

I miss them. Much.

new stuff...

2004-09-15T09:58:00.000+01:00

I went to "ang ark" today, loosely translated from Red Box. For the first time, i might add. Yes, I'm a true and certified SPK. go figure...

Lessons Learnt

1) I am tone deaf. For those with good vocal chords, count yourself lucky. I can just sooooo see my dream of becoming Malaysia Idol go down the drain. Hah! snicker. snort.
2)It's a great stress reliever. try Aerosmith with a loud mike.
3)The mike gives you power and you feel oh-so-good. picture self on stage with thousands of adoring fans. ego boost, definitely. unless you can't sing like moi, then the mike "taunts" you. Wahhhhh!
4)For the chronically tone deaf, go with friends that can sing. At least you can sing along and WON'T be heard. teehee...

It is now raining heavily. I wonder if it's a hint from the One above. *grins*

(unknown)

2004-09-12T13:38:00.000+01:00

I have to live with myself and so I want to be fit for myself to know.

I want to be as days go by, able to look myself straight in the eye.

I don't want to stand with the setting sun and think of things I have or haven't done.

I want to go out with my head erect.

I want to deserve all men's respect, I want to be able to like myself.

I don't want to look at myself and know that I'm a bluster, a bluff and an empty show.

I can never hide myself from me. I see what others may never see.

I know what others may never know.

I can never fool myself and so whatever happens, I want to be self-respecting and conscience free.

I remembered copying this down earlier this year but as with all my ridzuan things, it has been set aside. Chapter closed.

It can never be called a poem, no.. no such grand title for it. It's simple. no big fancy-pansy words. no stretching the poetic license. no beautiful imagery conjured. no melody to its words.

But.. it's relatable. Understood. to live by our conscience. to be true to oneself. to not make lies or excuses to oneself. to be respected and respect oneself. to have no regrets. blah..blah...

to be our own person and be proud of it.
How easy/hard is that to do. We have to live up to our family's expectations. to live up to our friends' acceptance. to live up to our society's perception. How much we've changed ourselves to adapt, to conform, to survive. Either willingly or grudgingly. It's after all for the best- safety in similarity, huh? (cynical)

Who am I?

How much is Me and how much is society's, friends', parent's?

Will I ever be only Me? Or is that too selfish, too egoistic...

p.s: Yesterday I was depressed, today I'm ponderous. Tomorrow, I'll be busy.

6th day of my holidays...

2004-07-30T13:42:00.000+01:00

I am bored.
Iambooooorrreeed.
derob ma i.

(hmmm, maybe writing everything sdrawkcab will make my life interesting..yeah rite..misguided logic)

actually, on thinking back, I asked for it.
I refuse to do anything and everything remotely fun doing.... hmm, maybe...

hey... I don't have to continue this anymore. Malaysian Idol'd here... woohoo!
to liven up this sad specimen's life.

maggie/layping, maggie/layping, maggie/layping, maggie/layping...

2004-07-15T14:32:00.000+01:00

simple as that, i AM confused. Should i use my painstakingly chosen English name (maggie) or use the name bestowed upon me by my parents?

option a: maggie

pros:it would definitely avoid awkward situation where I have to enunciate my name slowly again and again, or i'd have to spell it out. Better yet, i don't have to teach ppl to remember my name by: lay as in laying an egg except in my case it's ping pong for ping. sigh... every cute guy that i meet henceforth will then picture a hen and a ping pong when they see me. that's NOT good for my marriage prospects..hmm...no, not at all..

cons:i am betraying my parents hardwork in choosing a nice name for me. i'm sure they pored over tons of alternatives, play around with different names, and finally, FINALLY, after months, narrowing to only one. all that hard work down the drain. i'll also betray my heritage since supposedly lay is given by my grandparents.

option b: lay ping
pros: opposite to the above
cons: opposite to the above

so, all this is my only derivation from the psychological camp after having to face facilitators and peers that couldn't grasp my name. i'm sure people go like
"that's the girl.. what's her name?" or "gadis itu, apa nama?"
"sudah tak ingatlah..tak apa, tak penting.."

sniffle..sniffle.. i'm forgettable...just another nameless face in the crowd..and someday just another name in one of a million tombstones...